An Artistic Evolution

My thoughts are on my drawings and how my style is evolving. I woke yesterday thinking about the current in-process on the drawing board and the need to get it finished. This one has been a struggle and it dawned on me that I sometimes have this – habit – of having a tree or part of a tree on the side edge of the drawing … but not enough of the tree to make a statement or even really look good the drawing.

I question myself: Why do I do that? 

There are a couple of reasons. One is a photography teacher once telling me a good photo needs to be “framed” by elements on the side. My interpretation of that statement might have been a little skewed which, as my photography is evolving, I look closer at how I’m cropping and editing.

Another reason is I like trees, but I’ve discovered throughout the years that often what looks like a good shot in real life is not always a good photograph or will work in a drawing.

Then there is the fact of the medium in which I work and what will determine a good drawing in this style.

With those thoughts, I went back to the drawing board and made the tree on the side of the drawing extend more into the drawing itself. What a difference that extra added! I felt comfortable in calling the drawing finished with 15 more minutes of work. The drawing is happy and I am pleased with the outcome.

So, what am I learning from these thoughts, statements, and older beliefs?

I need to listen more to what the drawing wants.

I have to allow that the drawing is not going to look exactly like the photograph. 

Sometimes I have to look with “soft eyes” to see elements in a different aspect. I have to stop, stand back, walk away for awhile.

The medium I work in (charcoal and pastel sticks) does not lend itself to crisp, sharp lines and minute detail and that means I have to compensate for that. 

I have to remember the photograph is just a guideline and trust my own intuition, allow free-flow, and let the drawing happen. It’s similar to my writing when I let the writing free-flow. When the words pour in and then out, I can’t stop to edit or it breaks the flow. I’m discovering a similarity in drawing.  Let it flow and when the flow stops, then I can go in for details and adjustments.

I am excited about these discoveries and my artistic evolving. 

Attempting to Maintain My Cool

Today it hit me that this coming Thursday is my next dentist’s appointment and I have all I can do to keep from freaking out and calling to cancel. This appointment is the first of four in the series of cleaning. We decided to break it up into the four quadrants because it is so difficult for me.

He says I have a little bone loss in left front and the tooth to the side and the deep cleaning is necessary to prevent any more bone loss and save the rest of my teeth. I can’t even begin to describe how I feel about this. My teeth are so sensitive! I’d almost rather have a toe amputated than have anyone put sharp pointy objects in my mouth.

All my training in various techniques fall by the wayside when it comes to the dentist. I am attempting to talk about it more to, hopefully, exorcise these deep rooted (pun intended) issues so I can get on with it.

But I will get through this!

Saving Myself from the Mental Chaos

Yesterday my energy felt up and so were my spirits. I didn’t get everything done that I could have, but I am satisfied with the day. 

Today I’m dragging. I had a hard time with my morning exercise routine and it didn’t dawn on me until I turned on the computer to check my messages that I realized all the negative messaging regarding President Trump is affecting me and my spirits. This has gone beyond negative and has turned into down-right nastiness.

It isn’t about whether I personally believe in what he is doing or not, and it’s certainly easy to get upset up when reading all the horrible things he’s doing. (But is it only one side of the story, one small piece? I don’t know because I have researched the entire story, so I can’t judge.)  The issue is what all this negativity is doing to America, what it’s doing to people! It’s almost like it’s turning into a witch hunt – that same mentality of the old witch hunts back in the middle ages and later – only it’s directed at one person and what he is doing or what people are afraid he’s going to do. And it doesn’t matter what he says or does at this point, people are so filled with hatred at this guy that they will not accept any good coming from him.

There has always been controversy. There have always been disagreements with policies and beliefs, but never have I seen it so ugly. I find that this hatred and fear only creates greater hatred and fear, and as much as I try to not listen to or read any of the news, it seeps in. And it’s sapping my energy and I don’t like it.

So, what can I do about it to take care of me? And I have to take care of me because the minute I let up, I fall into depression, begin to hate life, the world, and what mankind is turning into. I don’t want to give in to that. I am determined to be positive and love life. I am determined to have faith in human beings! Here are some of the things I am doing to not get caught in the trap:

I can avoid Facebook (and I do as much as possible), but Facebook is my connection to friends and family, and I like to know how people are doing (personally, not their politics). I enjoy the connections when a positive word of support can help each another and where we can celebrate our joys and accomplishments. I love that I can post a question and get answers and suggestions. But, as of today, I am hiding all Facebook messages that are political.

I also avoid commercials and the shouting-at-you hype of how this product is going to save your life, be the best thing for you, and blah, blah, blah. All this constant chatter is just brainwashing you; telling you what is best for you when the bottom line is they just want your money. They don’t even have to tell the truth!

Another thing I do to keep my mental well-being positive is to have affirmation cards all over the place so almost everywhere I look there is some kind of a positive message to read. “Pump up the enthusiasm to be creative,” “Focus on the present joy of creativity,” “I am filled with Spirit and Light,” “Joy and love surround me,” “Center and Ground – Breathe in … Breathe … out,” “Love and Success,” “I am good enough,” and so many more. 

I also try to spend time outside paying attention to the beauty around me. Sometimes it’s in little things seen on the ground; how the ice melts around a leaf, flower stalks sticking out of the snow, how the ice changes in the brook, and, of course, I love the little birds.

I watch clouds, notice little intricacies about trees, rocks, how the land around me curves or is sharp. I talk to the neighbors’ cats and dogs (and the neighbors when I see them). 

And I focus on the love of my work be it editing, a writing project, photography, or a charcoal-pastel drawing. I take time to play Spider Solitaire and play and pat my soft, fluff-ball Pele. If I don’t get everything done on my to-do list for the day, then I am OK with that. I am good enough.

Did You Take the Blue Pill or the Red?

My mind has been on the state of affairs in the U.S. I am distressed over the hatred and violence. I’m trying to understand; trying to see other points of view. Right now, I feel shame for America if this is what we’re dissolving into. Our enemies must be laughing their butts off!

This morning I heard a story about a woman on an airplane who went off her rocker because the guy sitting next to her voted for Trump. When the plane landed, authorities had to take her away. (I heard this, but I don’t know how true it is.) I avoid the media because they are so into getting people hyped up over the littlest of things and it’s hard to know the real truth. Unfortunately, people “buy” into every little story and get upset.

I understand fear. I understand that people may be afraid for the future. But is this mentality of violence the answer? Did the American system work? If so, then be American and give the new president a chance. If you think it didn’t work, does that mean the system needs to change and how can that happen? If you don’t think the elections system is fair, what can you do to help bring about changes?

Will this hatred and violence make people listen? No, it only makes more people afraid. Will the nasty demonstrations and people acting out of their minds make changes? No, it will only make the rioters look like idiots (sorry, no offense, but my personal opinion) and will end up taking away more freedoms with the enacting more laws to “control” the masses.

The riots, demonstrations, and violence only promote more of the same. Where has logic and common sense gone? Where has democracy gone? Human decency? What is our wonderful country turning into?

Again, I’m trying to understand. Some of the nastiness going on is so out of control that it doesn’t make sense at all. The individuals participating – is this who they really are? I bet most of them are really nice people, but to see them with all that anger and hatred – makes me wonder where it’s coming from. Did they take the blue pill or the red pill? 

Part of it feels like a big act. Yes, I heard a rumor that people are being paid to demonstrate and cause riots. I don’t know how true it is, but seeing how people are acting, makes me wonder if there is truth to the rumor. There’s a falsity to it and yet, when people amp up the anger and fear, it continues to escalate and others catch the “anger” bug. I find it hard to believe that people could act so horrible! Is that the kind of person to admire? If you’re one of those hate mongers, is that how you want to be seen?

It’s also the mob mentality and how if one person starts getting upset and “getting on a bandwagon,” others join in. Sometimes they can’t help it. It’s part of the connectedness of being human.

Then, as I mentioned earlier, part of it is the media and what they feed the public. We have to ask what the real truth is. The media feeds us a lot of hype to sell their stories. Sensationalism sells and if they can get the public worked up then it’s good for sales. And, unfortunately, too many people buy into the hype (look what happens when a bad storm is predicted). 

I am also thinking about demonstrations of the ‘60s and ‘70s. I don’t remember it quite this bad. Yes, there were some horrible incidences, but this doesn’t feel the same. Back then, it felt like people were fighting for something -- something great. This just feels like someone is behind the scenes stirring the pot, pulling strings like on a top then letting it spin out of control.

Those who are protesting, does this mean they don’t believe the government works? Do they think it’s impossible to work through their state and county reps and senators? What are they really looking for?

All I’m asking is that people think about what they are doing. There’s nothing wrong with holding onto a belief if it’s to the good and will help others. There’s nothing wrong with standing up for your right. Just don’t buy into a lot of hype and sensationalism if it really isn’t necessary. Violence and destruction is not the answer.

I don’t know where all this is going, but I’m trying to have hope in the future of America. I am an American and I want to be proud to be American! It doesn’t matter if some of my blood is from Irish, Canadian, English, Native American, or whatever descent. I AM AN AMERICAN! I want to be proud of my country! 

Learning to Work in Shorter Intervals

I have been extremely busy and it’s exciting (exciting has been my favorite word of late). My other projects are keeping me away from more free-style writing which is why I haven’t been blogging. It’s all good.

What turned out to be important for this month is the fine-tuning of work schedules; becoming aware of how I need to work. More and more I am learning that it helps to work in shorter time frames. This prevents me from getting frustrated with the project or getting to a point where I want to destroy it and start over. Yes, this means it takes longer to get the project finished, but it allows me to be kinder to myself about the processes, and I find I am happier with what I am doing. Plus, as I often work on multiple projects at time, this allows me to do something on many of them.

Here are some examples of how I work:

When The Muse comes, it isn’t for very long. If I try to force any more, I get frustrated and upset with myself. However, if I walk away for a bit, do something else, then come back, I am more inspired and feel new energy.

The writing muse usually strikes (yes, often it is like a strike) first thing in the morning. She doesn’t stay long and this writing is very inspirational (not so much in a spiritual way, but a life/emotions/lessons way). Words and feeling gush through me and out of me, then suddenly stop. I might get fifteen minutes to an hour.

I get out of the chair to do some physical movement and chores around the house before sitting back down to respond to emails and Facebook messages. Again, no more than an hour and I’m up again moving. This time might find me on the air walker and as I’m doing a workout, I’m studying the drawings on the easels.

Fifteen minutes to half an hour is next spent handling charcoal and pastel. I can’t work very long at one time on a drawing. I have to stand back and walk away – sometimes until my next break from the computer and sometimes a day or a couple days will go by before I feel the urge again.

And so my day goes, in short intervals. I keep a log of what I do so at the end of the day, I can look at my list and see how much I got done. And I feel good about it!

It was hard getting used to this. I wanted to jump into a project and get it done. I’d get frustrated and beat myself up when things didn’t go as planned. I’d get depressed that I wasn’t good enough to call myself a writer, photographer, artist because I’d get angry when the work wasn’t going the way I wanted.

This new attitude has brought renewed energy and joy into all that I’m doing. No, it’s not always perfect, but when I run into a stumbling block, instead of letting the frustration pile up, I just walk away and work on something else. I have been so happy and thankful!

The other day, when I was talking about my new work ethic, someone told me studies have been done where they’ve found people do get more work done and are happier when working in shorter intervals. 

I’m onto something, for sure. Of course it isn’t always possible depending on types of jobs. For instance, when I’m working on weekly deadlines for the newspaper, I can’t be so free with my time. 

2016 – A Year of Growing Positiveness

I entered 2016 with lots of hope after the rollercoaster emotional ride of 2015. The selling of one home and the buying and moving into a new, smaller home left me drained and I wanted 2016 to be the exciting new chapters of a new book in my life.

Renovations in the new house continued with a custom-designed and built kitchen and a choice of unusual colors. I felt a driving need to surround myself with color. However, the work on the house continued to drain most of my energy even when I wasn’t doing the physical work. I didn’t have anything left to put much effort into writing, photography, or drawing. I felt the floundering of 2015 was ongoing. Where was I going in my art career?

But there was also a part of me that understood I had to patient because sometimes “… hope would be hope for the wrong thing.” I felt a change coming. I knew the inspirations and drives would return. 

The photography got a spark when, beginning February 1, a couple of us started a photo-a-day challenge for 100 days. I was unsure if I would keep up with it, but we were having so much fun, we kept going and are still doing it. Making time to take photographs led me into looking at things differently. It also makes me pay attention to the interesting beauty that’s all around me.

Spring came and I caught the gardening spark. Melissa, at Agway, said that plants they have early are OK to plant early, so I filled the back of my car with pansies, violas, English daisies, and Johnny jump-ups. I filled flower boxes and lined the back porch railing. Then as the weather warmed, I cleaned out the front gardens. I wasn’t sure of all the plants there, but I wanted more and subsequent trips to Agway had me filling those gardens and making more garden areas. 

The garage was the next big project and that led to creating more gardens as I strived to “Sasha-fy” my house. I bought lilies from The Lily Lady in Sutton and created a lily garden. The drought almost put an end to the outside garden projects, but a “water angel” offered to fill my rain barrels. She also gave me more lilies and I extended the lily garden. With her help, I continued to water the plants throughout the summer. 

In the meantime, I was reading books by Brene Brown and one by Doreen Virtue. Brown writes a lot about the same issues I like to talk about (and she’s done years of research). I wanted to “change how I think by changing what I think about.” I am highly bothered by commercialism and mistruths, false advertising, and all the depressing news we are bombarded with on a daily basis. Even though I don’t listen to the news or read about it, it still seeps in. And with the ugliest presidential campaigning ever, I had to do something for my own sanity. 

I began to redo the affirmation cards I made years ago using colored index card (still all about color). I post these around the house to provide constant positive messaging. I read some of them daily, often changing them around, and still occasionally making new ones. This has made a huge change in my demeanor.

Late summer had a new farmer’s porch built on the front of the house and the end of August into September had me driving to Wichita, Kansas, for my oldest grandson’s wedding. That turned into quite the 16-day adventure! The funny thing is I whined and complained throughout the whole trip, but once I got home, I realized how amazing it really was and how brave I was. I would do it again in a heartbeat! That realization and the commitment to experience more positiveness in life is transferring to the current book and I’m reliving the adventure as I write the story and edit the photos. 

I was inspired to get a Fitbit to motivate me into exercise. I am not so good at motivating myself and this is getting me up out of the chair and moving. I also joined Coach.me in which I developed a list of daily goals. I am actually doing more every day. I’m back to meditating, doing Tai Chi, I added leg lifts to my exercise routine, and because I have the online check-off list, I push myself to accomplish everything. I also cut back my caffeine intake to one mug a day (I like coffee too much to totally give it up). 

I wanted to share my new found positivity and desire to live a whole-hearted life and I came up with the idea to do these short “Dear Divine Presence” letters which I post daily on Facebook. One, this is my attempt to post positive messages in the face of all the negativity that bombards us on a daily level. Two, this is my way of giving back for all the wonderful things and messages I receive.

So, 2016 had a renewal in photography, writing, and mental well-being, but what about drawing? The desire to draw never went away for the two years I put the charcoal aside. I thought about it all the time, but never found the ambition to go to the easel. I had a number of unfinished drawings taped to various easel boards.

Blam! October slammed me new inspiration. I don’t even know where it came from (maybe from the Divine Presence prayers or just being more open to The Muse or…). I found myself at the drawing board and not only was I back to drawing, but my style has taken on a new persona, and once more, it’s all about color. The charcoal with just a hint of color pastel has turned into background layers of charcoal and lots of bright pastel color. 

Suddenly, after not doing any drawing since … well, I finished one I’d started in 2014 in January 2016, I did two drawings in a couple of weeks and a third by Christmas. The funny thing is, the four scenes are spring, summer, autumn, and winter, in that order. I hadn’t planned that. Now I can’t wait to see what 2017 has in store!

In closing, I would like to add that one of the most positive experiences of this year is the community support I’ve received. I was so hesitant to move to Hillsborough, but the people in this community have been so nice. People have graciously assisted me in whatever help I’ve needed. I am so grateful. 

Plus my very good friend lives across the brook and we get together once a week for Weekly Wednesday Winefest where we might work on a project (she’s been instrumental in helping me downsize and organize) or we just sit with our glass of wine and enjoy the most amazing conversations. 

It seems in today’s society there is less and less community. People don’t have time any more. We are human beings and humans need connection to others. We can’t save the world, but we can do our part to help each other. This is my goal for the coming year. 

Daring Greatly

I recently finished a third book by Brene Brown. This one was called “Daring Greatly.” Brown got the inspiration for the title from part a speech made by Theodore Roosevelt in 1910:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better.

“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face I marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming; 

“but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly…” 

Brown’s years of research and teachings give hope and understanding to our lives as human beings. Her books have come into my life at a time when I’ve been doing a lot of my own soul-searching and self-study. I am often amazed how she’ll make a point exactly along the lines of my own thinking. I feel her words have helped validate who I am and that I can BE proud of who I am (just like years ago when Julia Cameron of “The Artists’ Way” fame gave me permission to be an artist) – not that I really needed anyone’s permission, but it opened the door. 

One of Brown’s biggest teachings is that by talking we find we are not alone. This is a practice that I’ve been working on for a long time. As human beings, we are connected, and we need that connectedness to maintain humanity. I agree with Brown that in sharing our stories, we can help inspire each another. We share ideas and life stories and find connection. I’ve often felt alone in my feelings or a situation, but the moment I mention it, I find others, too, have similar experiences. This is how we belong and belonging is one of the most primordial desires in us.

Anyway, I highly recommend Brown’s books. Look her up on the web and you can even watch TED Talk videos of her. Or, go to amazon.com and purchase her books. You won’t be sorry. She’s done work with women and men in all professions and she’s been a great help to our veterans struggling to return to civilian life.

I didn’t put the title of my writing in quotations because my point here just isn’t about Brown’s book, but in the act of daring greatly. Going back over Roosevelt’s speech, I feel I’ve been in the arena. My face is “marred by dust and sweat and blood.” I’ve stumbled and erred and come up short time and time again. There’s something comforting in knowing that when I fail, I, at least “fail while daring greatly.” 

I finished the reading and felt compelled to make a list of how I dare greatly. This is what I’ve come up with:

I dare greatly when:

• I go on trips alone
• I am the first to speak to others
• I delve into my own feelings to better understand myself
• I say with passion, “This is who I am!”
• I go against the norm (in the past I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me because I never wanted to do what everyone else was doing, wearing, watching, reading, etc.)
• I choose to be different and like myself for it
• I talk about myself, admit my fears
• I say I don’t know … when I don’t know
• I admit there are things I can’t do anymore 
• I have to ask for help
• I choose to be the authentic me
• I leave the house and have to interact with others (believe it or not, that’s always been a struggle)
• I put my work – writing, photography, drawings – out there for others to see
• I admit my struggles and vulnerability

Think about how you dare greatly. What would be on your list?