Monday, August 12
Today is the first day since
getting new kitty Pele that I’ve left the house. I am still weepy when I think
about my Freyja-kitty. I know Pele cannot replace Freyja and I wouldn’t want
that of her. Driving up the road to go to an interview, I realize that I feel
different. Not that I’m sure what that means, just that there’s a difference.
Perhaps these losses of the past
few years have done something to me. You know how they say things come in
threes… I lost my aunt (my mother’s twin) in September 2010, my mother
Christmas day 2011 and now Freyja in July 2013. We women have lived together
for many years and Freyja joined us in 1999. I feel I haven’t fully grieved for
one when another came along. I’m also still reeling from the devastating
critique I received on my work last fall. It only stands to reason that these
recent events should have such an effect on me.
As of yet, I’m not sure of the
symbolism of the threes in this case. I’m not sure of what, why, and how I feel
different. There’s certainly an emptiness inside that wasn’t there before. It’s
like my whole previous life is gone. I thought the trip this past winter and
the writing of the book would put closure on things, but with losing Freyja,
the wounds have re-opened. Evidently, she was the cord that kept me tied to who
I thought I was. It’s like I have nothing left. It’s like all the past griefs
have come to a head; that they’ve culminated onto this point in my life. I’m
not sure what to do…
…Except move on. And I DO feel
different. It’s like the slate has been wiped clean and I’ve lost my anchor and
I’m floundering. But I’m not. I have a life. I have a job I love. I pretty much
do what I want. So what’s the matter with me? I have to pull myself back up and
move on. The grief is causing me chest pains.
It’s time to re-define myself
again, I guess. Who am I?
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