LIVING THE LIFE OF AN ARTIST

Giving Up the Paints… But…

“I think I’ll give up painting,” I announced to Nan yesterday. 

“That would be wise,” she replied. “I see you first as a writer and photographer then the charcoal drawings. You don’t have time to paint.” Nan tried to push me into getting rid of all the painting supplies before I left Bradford. I hung on.

But I have to be realistic… don’t I? 

When was the last time I picked up a brush? I did take a few acrylic painting classes and one in watercolor a couple years ago to inspire me to get back into painting, but as with many things, I didn’t follow through. I spent a lot of money on new supplies and they just sat. Yes, I did start a few canvasses, but after the initial work, they just collected dust.

But I think about painting!

I feel in my mind and remember how the paint glides smoothly onto the canvas. I see colors and patterns. Every time I see a painting or talk with other artists, I think, I could do that (in my own style, of course). When I see artists on TV, I want to paint, too. I don’t do it, though. 

But I feel it in my heart. 

How can I turn my back on it, throw it all away? How can I watch the supplies go out the door? 

But… if I really feel it in my heart, wouldn’t I be doing it? Writing takes preference over everything and photography is a big part. And I think about the drawings, too, before painting. So, I have to admit, painting is far down the list. I can’t do it all and with the books I’m lining up to write, I will never have/find time to paint.

Oh, this is hard, this letting go. These are my canvases, my paints, my supplies. I can visualize pictures in my mind – my pictures. But they don’t get done.

Then there’s this: If my focus is divided, how am I to do a great job? Writing is my main focus. There’s already the division with photography and charcoal drawing added. Why would I want to add another medium when I find it hard to finish projects higher on the list? 

This house doesn’t have the extra space for storage anymore either. Getting rid of all the painting supplies would allow more room for the drawing easels and table space for matting and framing photographs. There would be less clutter and maybe the supplies would go to someone who would actually use them.

Can I do this? Can I let it all go? Words have run out. I’m stuck between should, being smart and realistic, and giving up a piece of what I thought was part of me.

But, was it part of me if I never did it?