Monday, December 9, 2019

Questions to Ponder and Work on


Gail asked the other day, “What situations prevent you from being yourself? What's holding you back and what are you afraid of?”

A topic we can both work on and compare notes later. It’s definitely food for thought.

I thought about fear during meditation last night, and right on its heels came disappointment. Disappointment I’ve not finished the two books. Does that mean I have to let them go?

I don’t want to! I’m a writer. I had a couple of awesome adventures. Why can’t I tell my stories? It’s a driving force within me. I have to finish, or I feel incomplete … even though four years have gone by for one and three on the other.

The trips and the writing of them are important to me. I also feel I owe the people I talked to while traveling when asking their permission to tell their stories in the book. I thought of publishing/printing and costs … There’s as much work in the next step as there was in the actual writing. How can I pull this off? (Is this the fear?)

My books/writings are good! My paintings are good!

So, what holds me back from being myself; myself as a writer? (OK, this applies to painting, too.)

THE NEXT STEP. That’s what holds me back. I want to write and paint, but once the book is written and the paintings painted, my mind slams into a wall. I know what to do next, and I want it done, but I don’t want to do it! I just want to write and paint.

Oh, I know what everyone says about marketing and all that, and how that’s part of being a writer and artist. I’ve heard all the what-you-have-to-dos and I just can’t bring myself to do it, and it breaks my heart. Yes, I’ve self-published a couple of times already and I do art exhibits, but I just can’t take that step again.

Why? Because I have new things to accomplish. I love writing and painting. I do not enjoy doing the next part. It exhausts and depresses me. So, I’m stuck. And telling me I HAVE to do it to be published, to sell … and I have to change how I’m thinking about it, change my attitude and force myself … just makes me want to throw a temper tantrum or crawl into a hole.

I have to come up with an answer that fits me – or get lucky enough to somehow get a personal assistant who can do all the stuff I’m willing to do … and be able to pay this person. (So far, my prayers haven’t been answered on this one yet, ha-ha, but I’m still asking.)

I refuse to feel like a failure!

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