This morning I’m continuing yesterday’s thread on self-archeology. Yesterday saw me digging up ancient carvings in my inner well; those old aspects and labels of myself that I buried for many years. Those issues occasionally rear an ugly head to stir my emotions and remind me of my insecurities. Is there any truth to them?
I pulled a couple relics from the muck. As I line them up on the shelf, I consider what names they have; what labels I have/had. I start to clean off the dirt. Does this label fit me now? Did it ever really work for me or was it something that I got stuck with and is something that never felt true (I only felt it was true because that’s what others said or I believed).
I thought about the physical downsizing I did these past couple of years and especially last year when I bought a much smaller house. Going through items I’ve had in my possession for a long time was not easy (yes, there’s still more to go through). Do I hang onto something just because I’ve had it for years? Do I keep it because it’s been in the family or it was given to me by someone special to me? How many things can I save if they are not usable for me now?
As I work with the relic analogy this morning, I am reminded how digging these old half-carved images out of my inner well is similar to the physical downsizing of my house. What image-label am I holding onto like a family heirloom because a family member gave me that label when I was young? What purpose is it serving if that label is not who I am? What about the relic-label that I buried because I was ashamed of it? What purpose does that serve?
Think about all those relics I’ve been burying for years. They sink in the mud and are further hidden by more half-carved stones. Some rot, some fall apart, and some distort with age. Do they serve a purpose for me now or do they just clutter up my being and hinder my growth?
These recent years were creating who I am/want to be. But maybe I’m not creating something new or maybe I don’t need to create something new. What if all I need to do is to clean out the old relics and get rid of ones that do not suit me and are not me? What if, in digging these out and seeing actually what they are, I can let them go if they are not who I am? What if, in the cleaning out of all the junk and clutter, I am freed up to be truly me – the person I’ve always been on the inside, but couldn’t access because of all the crap I’ve buried?
I feel much freer living in a physical house that is less cluttered. Imagine how I could mentally feel if my inner me is less cluttered?
It’s time to get the cleaning rags out to see which relics are still good and which ones I can put to the curb.
Below is a poem I wrote many years ago. It goes to show, there was a part of me already working on this… but I stopped for awhile. Time to get out those cleaning tools again.
Cleaning Day in the Well
On the inside of my soul lies a darkened place
and stuck in an unused corner like burnt cheese
is … something… possibly sinister…
I can’t tell for sure
It’s been covered over so many times
that I’ve forgotten much of what I buried
and I don’t know what has oozed
into the hidden recesses of my being
to rot and grow hard
But I have this handy dandy scraper now,
a plastic little thing that won’t scar the sides
(came with a George Foreman grill
my ex gave me years ago and I no longer use)
So down there I go
with my handy dandy scraper and cleaning rags
I pick and scrub with care
wipe away the grime and the dust and the char
to reveal… a mirror!
With gentle strokes, I wipe the surface clean then,
with a silent bang
light reflects in the shine and I am no longer in the dark
I am bathed in glorious sunlight and all is revealed
Yea-yah
--Sasha Wolfe
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