Thankfulness Every Day

The holiday season is upon us and after the tricks, treats, and wonderful costumes and fun of Halloween, the seriousness of Thanksgiving settles in before the big Christmas rush-around catches everyone. 

The newspaper is preparing its Thanksgiving edition and many of the writers are listing things for which they are thankful. It’s important. It’s important to remember we have a lot to be thankful for. However, what gets me is how many items on those lists are the same. I could copy and paste quite a bit of their lists into my own because, for the most part, we are all thankful for the same things (or types of things) in our lives.

I’ve always strived to be a different. Even as an artist, I don’t want to do the same thing everyone else is doing or I don’t want to do it exactly the same way. And so, in my thanks, I don’t want to list the same things that are prevalent on others’ lists. (Such as being thankful for this wonderful country, family, etc., which to me are givens.) Of course, we are thankful for these things and we cannot say thank you enough. 

Thanksgiving Day, the holiday, a time for family and get-togethers, changed dramatically for me in later years. My thoughts of Thanksgiving bring memories of family with Ma and Dad preparing dinner (which, along with Christmas dinner, was eaten around noon). The memory holds love, laughter, warmth, and the smell of good food and plenty of it. Later years, when I became an adult and the children were young, the holiday still had some of that feeling. 

Times changed. Choices were made. Lives came and went. The holiday within the family changed. The entire holiday season… fell apart for me. All those old memories were just that – memories. The feeling of the holidays changed and I made the decision to pull back and drop out. It was my choice and I did not do this to slight family, but to protect them from my… sadness. Maybe this just means that I was unwilling to change with the times. (Although the past couple of years I did come out of holiday isolation to go out to Thanksgiving dinner with my brother, his wife, her sister, and husband and it was good.)

There is more. Thanksgiving is not just a one-day-a-year event for me. I celebrate thankfulness every day. Every night I say gratitude prayers at bedtime. I snug down under the covers and have an entire litany of prayers and thanks that I run through before falling asleep. Goodness, there is so much to be grateful for that the list could go on and on. Sometimes I feel like a broken record repeating things. But I AM so grateful!

So, what can I add to my list that is not exactly the same as on other lists? What can I add to my list that is different from last year’s list? Oh, yes, I have a list. Stay tuned.

The Words Come

Poems come to me when I’m out and about. I always carry a notebook and pens, as I’ve said often. I write when I’m walking. Words flow when I’m driving, but I won’t stop then and usually I forget by the time I reach my destination. I tried doing the recorder while driving. It doesn’t work for me.

This is how my philosophy about the muse came about. When She (the words) come, I have to pay attention in that instant. If I don’t, She goes away. She demands immediate attention. When She gives attention to you, you’d better take the time to listen to her. Thankfully She doesn’t hold a grudge and will come back another time.

The notebook comes out when I’m in a restaurant waiting for a meal. Different atmospheres will sometimes evoke different feelings. Of course the current state of mind plays a role in what I write, too. Whatever comes out, I’m always amazed and pleased.

I knew a woman once who used to write these amazing, funny poems about food. My food poems tend to be how I try to use food to make me feel better when I’m down… and how it doesn’t work, ha ha. As much as I love certain foods and food can certainly be cheerful, it doesn’t help solve problems.

I wrote this poem in April of 2009 at my favorite restaurant, the Flying Goose Pub in New London. (I always like the words in the first two lines and have used them before and since). By this time, my mother’s health was really going downhill and it was hard to be away from her and I never knew what I’d find coming home. Would she be okay? Would she be miserable and awful to me because I’d been gone so long? (I’d usually try to bring her home something to eat to appease her.)

Don’t get me wrong. I loved her so very much! But it was hard. She’d try to be understanding when I went off. Sometimes when I got home, she’d be excited to hear about my adventures. Other times she’d be very angry and upset with me because I’d left her alone. So, I never knew which mom I’d come home to. I understood, too. It was hard for her.

Emotions Unreleased

My heart bleeds tears

my eyes will not shed

the knot in my gut 

will not allow release

It’s 1 p.m.

and I wonder 

if eating anything

will help

Driving for two hours

did not erase

the sadness

in my soul

The solitude

did not bring the comfort

usually found

while out and about

Maybe the weather

affects my mood

Maybe if it was warm and sunny

my mood would be also.

---SW

------

Friendships can ebb and flow. Sometimes words can sever a relationship. Sometimes boundaries are crossed. Sometimes ties need to be severed. It doesn’t have to be forever, though at the time, emotions are strong and the ego screams, “Never again!”

After some time, these words came to me. I don’t normally include little snide comments that my conscious mind can throw in, but in this case, I kept the comment.

Below are two poems written about broken friendship. Words spoken can easily be misconstrued or the hurt can cause such a spiraling down that it can take a long time to recover from. 

Friendship Betrayed

I thought by now

my heart would have healed

I thought by now

words would have lessened

the pain

But still I fear

What trust I had

has long gone

When will it return?

will I ever get it back?

(Maybe not where you’re concerned)

(originally written 04/23/09; edited and titled 09/26/15 – SW)

Did You Know

The chill in the air

matches that in my heart

Did you know your words

would cut my very soul?

Did you know I’d retreat

into a dark, damp abyss?

Did you know I would give up

everything I was building for myself?

You did not call

nor did I call you

Neither willing

to apologize

neither willing

to acknowledge wrong

I cannot face the distance

in your voice

nor the accusation

in your eyes

My loneliness 

eats at my joy

I will never

be the same

For now I will be alone

you cannot accept me

as I am

and I can’t be anything else

Did you know your words

caused me to change my entire life direction?

(originally written 04/23/09; edited 09/26/15 – SW) 

I’ve not talked much about this happening. I’ve not said what really happened to me or how I totally turned from a path I worked towards for many years. But I turned my back on all the training and the practices and focused on being only an artist and writer. I’ve never told anyone how it affected me; never said how I’m still affected.

I forgive other and self. Five years later I am happy to say the friendship rekindled. There are still scars. Someday I may talk about it fully. Not to place blame or find fault for there are at least two sides to every story. I played a part and I’m not blameless.

I would have been a great soul healer. It’s still in me. But the other path was chosen and I don’t have regrets. I love being an artist and writer!

A new and different project

I was asked by personal chef, Barbara Bridgewater, www.feastofnh.com, of Bradford to shoot photos to update her website. Many of you heard me mention how I love watching the cooking shows on TV, but I’m a fussy eater and don’t like to cook. Meeting Barbara was a great opportunity to learn more about cooking and food. 

Yesterday I did my first stint at photographing food. I’ve heard about spraying food with something to make it look more vibrant and pleasing in photos. My mind struggles with that as I’m a photographer who works hard to make a photo look real and Barbara is a chef who promotes healthy eating. (The spraying of a chemical to make the food look better just doesn’t sit so well with me… of course, I could be wrong.) 

We had an enjoyable couple of hours. I got to taste-test, too, which added to the enjoyment, and she provided take-home containers giving me a delicious meal for later. I never eat asparagus because I didn’t think I liked it, but she made it look so good, I decided to try it. It was yummy and I will be eating asparagus again.  

The first round photos came out OK; not great, but passable. This is a learning experience for both of us. We both have ideas on how to do better. I got up this morning with my mind overrunning with suggestions and I couldn’t wait to get to the computer to email her. We are inspiring each other. Hey, I’m willing to work for food! We’ll need to work out details so we are both satisfied.  

What’s interesting about Barbara is she’s a vegetarian, her husband prefers meat, and they have relatives who require special diets. This means she has the expertise to create tasty meals to fit any client’s tastes and requirements. Also, her prices are reasonable and she is planning to offer delivery in the local areas. She does all the grocery shopping, prep work cooking, and she provides directions on heating and storing leftovers. Imagine having your meals cooked and delivered! 

I’m excited about this direction. I totally believe that we all have something we are good at and it’s great when a barter-type system can be worked out. In this case, I can take photos and help with writing a blog/articles and I’ll make a little money and get some delicious meals in return. What’s also good about this type of work is that it isn’t something that requires specific times, so we work on the project when opportunity or timing allows or as needed.

 

 

The Enjoyment of Food

The subject of food comes up often. We are barraged daily from the media, medical profession, and those quick to give advice on healthy eating habits. We are told when to eat, how often we should eat, what we should or shouldn’t eat, and are made to feel guilty for eating those items deemed unhealthy. Foods are broken down into components, chemicals, and structure to help us determine what is safe to eat. Listening to and reading all the hype that is out there nowadays, I can’t help but wonder what the real truth is and what is just hype from corporations pushing their own products, or people putting their beliefs and what works for them onto everyone else. Listening to some of those opinions, it’s a wonder many of us are still alive today… if all of what is said is truth. 

I like food, but I am a fussy eater. I only want to eat food I like. I want to enjoy those foods without feeling guilty. There are certain foods I don’t mind eating all the time, while others I might get a craving for, or some if the mood hits me. I don’t want to listen to someone make comments on my eating habits. I am making my own choices. I listen to my own body when it says, “Don’t eat any more of that for awhile,” or “Let’s have something green and fresh today.”  

AND, for the most part, I am healthy and I am HAPPY! Sure, I may be overweight and my muscles and joints ache (part from the weight and part from age). Maybe I would feel physically better if I ate more healthy foods and exercised more, but I love what I do and I am happy with the person that I am. And if that comes with liking foods that are on the “bad for you” lists, then so be it.  

One of my greatest joys these days is to go out to eat with good friends. It’s wonderful that we can all order what we want without anyone looking down their noses at our menu choices. If we want a “big girl drink” or dessert, that’s OK and doesn’t mean that everyone has to do the extra. Yes, some have to be conscious of eating particular foods, but that doesn’t put pressure on anyone else to have to eat similarly. We make our own choices, enjoy what we order, and have the most wonderful conversations. 

It’s a good life!