Another Book Topic

Last night’s meditation led me on another interesting journey … as happens often. I was left feeling I need to put these meditation-inspired ramblings into a book and call it “Conversations within Myself.” (The writing muse has me by the throat. All I want to do is write!)

These meditations offer insight into life. I’m shown different sides of situations while allowing my mind to develop, transform, solidify, question preconceived beliefs, or assimilate some form of teaching. I think about what I think about and how I think about it. (OK, I’ll admit to overthinking ... or maybe I’m just not afraid to admit.)

Words and thoughts constantly run through my mind. I’m always thinking, from the moment I wake in the morning until I fall asleep at night. (Sometimes when I wake in the night, too.) Often, it’s just daydreaming drivel, but other times, a topic grabs hold of me and I’m taken on an interesting journey; at times controversial and other times enlightening.

A comment gets made or I read something that sends my mind spinning off on a winding path. There’s no one true answer as the trail leads down, in, around, among, up, out. Thoughts jump one to another; sometimes not in a logical sense of order. Words gush from above, while others stir up out of my soul and heart. I never know when it will stop. Suddenly, the flow shuts off, and I feel breathless, emotionally flattened, unfinished, like there’s more, but my brain won’t take any more at this moment.

Nothing is conclusive. I’m left in wonder. But I also feel the topics that come to me need to be brought to the light. It’s not that I expect everyone to believe what I say. They don’t have to. Sometimes what I write is what others think but can’t put into words. Sometimes it’s just my ramblings.

Whatever it is, I’ve gained a little more understanding of life, and even if I’m left with more questions, there’s still a feeling of accomplishment.

Snake Oil Salesmen and Charmers

I am strong, yet I am vulnerable. When I get hurt, I run and hide. I protect the who-I-am by keeping it safe from the world. I am strong inside, but is the who-I-am too thin-skinned to let out in public? 

Last night’s reading on living authentically and wholeheartedly triggered remembrances of years ago. Wait! I’d worked on this before. What happened between then and now? When did I fall off the spiritual/self-healing path I’d been on for 20 years? Let me think… there’s a huge gap in my spiritual work between living in Barrington and in Hillsborough where I live now – the Bradford years.

Something happened in Bradford that caused me to turn away from all that I’d worked towards. I spent time last night looking back and I found it. I can’t remember the exact details, but I remember the incident and what led up to it. I remember the pain, the betrayal, and the subsequent turning away. 

People today know me as a writer, editor, photographer, and artist, but how many know I was a healer; a darn good healer? And I was working at becoming even better. A few of us were developing a healers’ group. He was a charmer and talked the good talk, but ultimately, he was a full-of-himself snake. (He was so good he even had my mother duped and she didn’t go in for any of this healing stuff!) Friendships were destroyed and the Light that we had developed between us was snuffed out.

The end result was I walked away; never read another book on healing, never talked about it, stopped playing my flutes and drums, stopped doing Tai Chi, and only did one or two massages  afterwards, eventually even giving that up. My good-sized self-help/healing library got thrown in the dumpster along with the massage oils and I sold the massage table. I turned my focus totally to my other talents. I stopped learning, stopped wanting to learn, unless it was about work.

I loved living in Bradford, but for that one incidence. I gave up on my spirituality and locked it away, hiding it, and not acknowledging it. And perhaps that was one reason why the last few years with my mom was so hard. I didn’t use my spiritualness to help me when I needed it most, when she needed me to be strong. (I’m sorry, Mom.) 

It was very hard for me to move to Hillsborough, however I have become spiritual again thanks to Annette Vogel who gave me “Wishes Fulfilled” by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I’ve never been a Dyer fan, but had to read the book because she gave it to me. 

That book… I guess you could say, woke me up again. Not that I believe everything he said (I read a book or watch a TV program and can find something that will help me… like searching through the weeds to find a rose and I certainly found plenty of roses. Then, a guy told me about Brene Brown and I got three of her books: “I Thought It Was Just Me But It Wasn’t,” “The Gifts of Imperfection,” and “Greatly Daring.” (I haven’t read the latter yet.) And Annette told me about “The Courage to be Creative” by Doreen Virtue which is an awesome book!

So now, I am back on my path and that fills me with such joy. I feel I am learning something new every day and it’s exciting.

Oh, and about snake oil salesmen and charmers? Read the headlines. Listen to the news. Commercials and ads are all snake oil salesmen. Be careful who and what you listen to and support. Be vigilant! Don’t get caught up in someone’s charisma and charm and buy into their pretty words.

As a writer and word person, I know the power of words. Do NOT go by what you are being told, but check the real facts about everyone and everything they say (or what the media says they say). Look at your politicians as people, not what’s coming out of their mouths! Will they live up to their promises or are the just selling the public? Are they parroting what someone else wrote for them? Are they selling the public what whoever paid for their campaign dictates? 

They are all snake charmers weaving their charms to hypnotize and brainwash. Or they’re creating so much nastiness which is addictive to many people. Is this really what you want imprinted in your souls?

Think about it. I’ve learned my lessons with snake oil salesmen.

The Spiritual Side of Sasha

Much of my writing comes from what I call The Muse of Divine Inspiration. Those times when the words pour into me, mixes with what’s already brewing inside, then spills out onto the page.

(This is funny because I meant to write The Muse OR Divine Inspiration, but now that I see OF Divine Inspiration, I like it.) 

Yesterday I got yet another flash of that inspiration: Write letters to The Divine.

Dear Divine, Today I get your message about living wholeheartedly and just attempting that concept brings about a deep sense of peace throughout my entire being. My mind quiets down and I feel more open. Thank you. 

Dear Divine, Thank you for reminding me I am a courageous woman, and not only about traveling alone. I am brave just for standing up to be me, for daring to be different and not follow the norm, or going against what I think others would have of me. 

Dear Divine, It’s OK if I only focus on one project at a time. For that hour or so, I can be fully and wholeheartedly on the job at hand and not be thinking of all the other things I want/need to be doing. After that time is done, I can move onto the next project with a clear mind. 

But I struggled with saying “Dear Divine.” Just saying “Divine” sounds like a human name (and too similar to Bette Midler’s “The Divine Miss M) and to me, the divine I am talking about is THE Divine. The Divine is god-like, all encompassing, spirit; something all-that-is and not to be confined to a human name. And to say Dear The Divine doesn’t sound right.

This subject was on my mind off and on throughout the day. I knew it would come eventually. I had to think it through. The Divine, like The Muse when she visits, is more than what we can put into words. And while The Muse always feels like a “she” to me, other angels and spirits can be genderless and while I understand some people will know their helping spirits’ names, I seldom, get a name. 

So, how do I start my letters? I don’t want to say, “Dear God” because: It’s been done before, God has a religious connotation and I am spiritual, not religious; and somehow my experiences feel different from God. 

Maybe I should not use the word dear. I could do “To The Divine” like we do “To the Editor” for the newspaper, but that feels too impersonal. The Divine, The Muse, God, Great Spirit, the Universe, Angels (whatever the name) are all very personal relationships. There is something all-encompassing – I’ve tried for years to describe what I experience for my own understanding. Sometimes there are no words in our language. 

Today, I’ve come up with: 

Dear Divine Presence, Today I realize that trying to come up with a name for you is like putting you in a box. How can or why should one possibly confine All-That-Is? And thank you for reminding me that we are all part of the All-That-Is. Love and Success, Sasha

Dear Divine Presence, Today I get your message about sharing these messages. Yesterday you reminded me of my courage and now I realize I have to be brave again. Thank you. Love and Success, Sasha

I am wondering if I can be brave enough to share these on FB. It would be a break from all the politics and woes of the country and world.

But I don’t know if Divine Presence is quite right either. Maybe I could do:

Dear Sasha, Thank you for reminding me that I am one with All-That-Is. I am one with The Divine Presence. Love and Success, Sasha.

What The Muse Mean to Me

For the second morning in a row, I pay attention to The Muse right off the bat before I finish my journaling. She used to come more at the end of my journaling, after I wrote about the day before. The writing often seems to call her. I usually have to siphon off stuff (I love the word “stuff,” it covers so much) from the day before to allow new inspiration. Now yesterday and today, she is at the forefront. (And, for me, The Muse always is feminine.)

I try to settle into routine, but she won’t let me and I learned a long time ago if I don’t pay immediate attention, she disappears. When she arrives, she is screaming, “Pay attention NOW!” A thought this morning as she grabs my attentions is “Am I spoiling her?” That was immediately followed by “Or I am totally honoring her?”

I believe it is honor and respect; two most important virtues. If this higher power Muse honors me with her presence, then I darn well better give her the respect she deserves. After all, why should I think she is here only for me? Maybe she mentors others. She needs my full attention when she is here and the information pours into me faster than my brain can process or my hand write or fingers type. That’s a challenge, for sure.

But what does this mean? What does this Muse mean to me and how does it work?

Mostly, when people think about “revelations” or God-inspired, higher power messages, there is a coming down from above feel. And I feel that. However, it’s not just a flowing down and into me feel, and it’s not just coming into my head. These feelings reach my heart and mix with who I am… or is it my heart rising to meet the inflow? (Be gentle with me. This is the first time I’m actually writing about it on this level.) 

What I do know is that I feel it in my entire being. There is stuff coming up from my well (that part deep in our beings – like the bottom of a well – where years of stuff gets buried) that merges with my heart and then that mixes with the stuff coming from above and then it pours out of me onto a page. 

Maybe one cannot come to the light without the other. Maybe it’s the Light of higher beingness that shines light into the well to release the emotions buried there. Maybe it is all that and much more. 

Who am I to try to say? But I am trying to explain it. These writings I do are from me and yet mix with something higher than me. The Muse arrives and the inner spark ignites into a flame, a short firestorm and then, it’s gone. Until the next time.

Some of you have been the recipients of the flash fire times as ideas and suggestions gush forth out of me. A comment made the day before or I may have read something or seen something on TV and the following morning the avalanche lets loose. And these moments are not just about me. There’s a higher purpose. I have to share, I have to.

It’s exciting and I am filled with joy. Thank you.

Exploring Emotions – a Unique Journey

I am an explorer, an explorer of a unique place – my own mind/soul. My travels take me over mountains, into dark caverns, and I look into the deep abyss. I stand on ledges and exclaim at vast, beautiful vistas and I crawl into claustrophobic holes where I feel the life will be choked out of me. I dig in the muck at the bottom of my well to see what stirs within so it can be released into the light. I wander mazes of emotions trying to put words to the unnamable.

Who do I think I am? How dare I explore these places on my own? What right do I have to think I could possibly be a better person by doing this, by standing up to declare, “This is who I am!?”

Some people go the route of studying other people’s emotions and psyches: social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors. I felt I had to understand my own self; that somehow, by understanding me, I would understand the world around me. I wanted to know why I felt such and so, why I never wanted to do exactly what others were doing. I wanted to know why I was different, why I didn’t fit into what seemed like normal situations. I wanted to know why, while growing up, no one liked me (or so I believed).

The journey of self-discovery takes a tremendous amount of courage. What if I don’t like what I see? Sometimes I don’t. What if the findings scare me? Sometimes they do. What if I dislike myself more? What if some of the horrible things that were said to me and about me in the past are true? What if there really is something wrong with me? I refuse to let that happen! I work through all the self doubts and fear. It isn’t always easy.

Why do I do this? Because I want to understand; I want to understand who and why I am. And by coming to terms with who I am, I am able to be with others and understand who they are. I am able to see both sides of situations even when I don’t personally agree. My inner eyes have opened wider.

I have learned what it means to be a sensitive and be proud that I am capable of feeling. Yes, I have to set boundaries to protect my soul. I avoid certain situations because the damage to my inner self would be too great. However, the knowledge this work has done for me is – freeing. Am I perfect? No. But I am better and I am happy.

The work continues as it must. Living means it’s an ongoing process. The study of emotions is fascinating. Now I look at it as going on a treasure hunt. The treasure isn’t always pretty, but the discovery is oh, so interesting.

Another Step Forward in Studying Emotions

I study emotions; in myself and others. I analyze my feelings and look into the reasons and how to better myself. Why do I feel such and such, and if it’s a negative emotion, how can I change it. 

I talk with other people and in listening to them, I am curious about their emotions and how they handle stress. I want to know why people think they way they do, and not from a standpoint of right or wrong, but in trying to understand human being-ness.

A couple of weeks ago, someone asked if I had heard about Brene Brown. I hadn’t and I looked her up on the web and listened to one her TED seminar/videos. I was impressed. I immediately ordered three of her books: “I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t)” about shame, guilt, and empathy; “The Gifts of Imperfection” about embracing who you are; and “Daring Greatly” about courage and vulnerability.

I put them in order by their published dates with the first one in 2007, 2010, and 2012. Ah, this was during my time in Bradford when I had stepped back from self-study to promote my art and writing career. That explained why I hadn’t heard about her.

I began reading the first book. Some are things I already know, but there is quite a bit that I find refreshing and it’s bringing me into greater understanding of who, why, and what I am, and how I want to go forward with my life. This will also help me in dealing with others and it’s bringing out the healer in me. (Yes, many of the various studies from the past were in the healing arts.)

Shame is the big skeleton in our closets. Brown says no one is without it. It’s a teaching mechanism and it’s used as punishment that is used from the moment we are born. Shame is an emotion and because everyone feels and experiences it differently, the subject has been difficult to address. Plus, people are not comfortable talking about shame. They may eventually talk about all other emotions, but shame runs deep.

I grew up with low self-esteem. It has haunted my entire life. In my teens and 20s, I actually hated myself. It wasn’t until I started reading this book (and I’ll be turning 62 this summer) that I come to understand low self-esteem develops from shame. It’s the shame of never feeling good enough, of not being accepted by peers, of not fitting in, of being odd, ugly, fat, shy, that there is something wrong with me – the list can go on. 

There’s no one to blame. It’s something that gets ingrained in us. I’m sure if I could go back and ask my parents why they “shamed” me, they would be appalled I would think such a thing. That’s certainly not what most parents intend and, of course, I can’t help but think about my own kids…but I didn’t know back then. I didn’t understand any of this.

I’ve spent years overcoming the “old” me: taking many courses and workshops, doing a lot of self work, and learning to work towards what I want. I even went so far as changing my name to escape that old image. I have come a long way and I am not the Debbie of my past.

Poetry was my salvation. Poetry, writing, and art helped me find myself. The self work often comes in spurts. I will read or hear something and then I will think about it, write about; sometimes for weeks or months. There are times when I have to read or listen to a point over and over before I get it. And all the time, I am becoming a better person, a more self-assured person, and I am happy.

Now I am learning low self-esteem comes from shame and I’ve just touched the tip on this subject. This is a whole new territory to explore. I am in my first few days of writing about it and I’m excited (and a bit nervous) to see where this will take me. Goodness, how can one talk about shame? What will people think if I admit my secrets?

I already figured out that people’s unhappiness is what brings out anger, bullying, and such. Now I am starting to understand where the unhappiness comes from. Oh, not the exact issue because we are all different and all have different triggers. 

We may have similar stories and feelings, but it’s not exactly the same. I can’t tell you what you are feeling. I can only understand that you feel so. It’s not easy to put words to emotions and when people feel bad enough, they may act out in negative ways. 

So, how do we get better? It takes courage to even admit we are struggling. There is always that, “I don’t want to talk about it” stubbornness. What will happen when we do talk? Will others understand? Will they hate us or make fun of us?

There will be those who will deny similar feelings, but most will relate. It takes courage for all of us. We have to create a better world and that takes courage, admitting vulnerability, and empathy.

I have taken dozens of workshops, read hundreds of books, learned various meditations, and spent a lot of money on many self-help and healing classes. Poetry, writing, photography, and art were my salvation, but the self-study goes on. I’m excited to find where this next step will take me.

The Hole in My Life

A good part of my life has felt in limbo for over a year with the home selling, searching for a new home, downsizing, the actual move, settling in, and renovating. My entire art career was put on hold except for the newspaper work and a couple of photo commission projects. I’d been saying that 2016 will be the year for changes and now I am ready to put new fire in my art career. I am ready to get back to “Living the Life of an Artist,” as stated on my blog.

However, 2016 did not start off with the big bang I envisioned. The reno work was still holding me back. Now we are into April and I still need the garage built to give a little extra storage room so I have inside space to move around and create.

I also had to take into consideration where I want to go in my career. I waited for that burst of enlightenment. It didn’t come. What I did realize is that what I have been doing as an artist is what I want to be doing. Yes, there is room to improve and grow and I am willing, but the words are still the same, those words that describe me.

It was time to restate my career intentions. I’ve done a couple new ads and I’m working on updating my website. (I do all the changes to my website template before sending all off to Dr. Bob to install said updates, so be patient awhile longer as I perfect how I want the site to look.)

But something feels missing. Artist, author, editor, photographer; yes, I have multiple realms in which I work, so what is missing? I feel there is a hole, a dark abyss.

I had a great conversation with my building contractor yesterday about the path to enlightenment. Last week I had Facebook chat with a new friend who asked if I knew about Brene Brown. (I looked her up and she has written books and has done lectures on subjects which I am very into – emotions.) I always find it refreshing to have deep conversations with men because it doesn’t happen often. (My ex used to tell me that’s what I have girlfriends for.) 

This morning it hit me. That hole that is in my line of what I do is… spirituality. When I think about everything I do, the Who I AM, it’s always artist, author, editor, photography. I am not one without the others. This is who I am. BUT! I am spiritual and even though I say gratitude prayers every night, spirituality is not something I promote. But that is the hole… or what fills the hole.

Hmmm, very interesting… and I’m not sure where to go with this…

I AM SPIRIT!      I AM A SPIRITUAL BEING!

This IS part of who I am. It IS who I am. I trained and studied for many years various aspects of spirituality and healing. I may not be physically doing massage any more. I don’t have a Tai Chi class at the moment. I’m not leading support groups or meditation classes. But it is still in me. It comes out when I talk to people (whether they or I know it at the moment). I always know it’s there. It’s automatic. It’s what I do; who I am. It’s that certain trust I put in higher power, Great Spirit, Great Creator, God, Buddha, whomever, that when I open my mouth (outside of my own personal whining, ha ha) the words that come forth are not only just from me. There is something greater that works through me. I trust in that greatness.

And every once in a while, I have to be reminded that that greatness works through me. Thank you.

The hole in my life – isn’t really a hole – it is oneness with all that is. It is the wonder and awe of life. It is something bigger than we can imagine and only once in awhile do I get a glimpse. Wow.

Choosing the Words I Want to Instill in My Soul

I can’t help think about the negativity we are bombarded with daily. We can’t get away from it and it’s all some people talk about. If it isn’t the newspapers (but not the InterTown Record because we don’t go in for that depressing media-hype), it’s TV blaring everywhere, radio commercials, Facebook trends, and people constantly on their i-Pads and cell phones.

I refuse to put up with it! Remember all the repetitive messages imprints into your soul! After all, repetition is how we learn – how are parents taught us words, alphabet, multiplication tables, etc. We are taught to repeat over and over to learn. 

So think about what all this negative messaging does to you. Is that the kind of stuff you want to embed in your very being? What about all the commercials trying to get you to buy products? How often will you need to be told, “Buy my product and you will feel great” before you totally believe it? And the saddest part is, these commercials do not have to tell the truth.

Think about it. How have we all been being brainwashed all these years? How often have you been told something multiple times only to find out later it really isn’t true? (There are even findings now that some of the history we’ve always been taught isn’t the real truth.)

Well, I refuse! I put my foot down and I will no longer buy into what the media is trying to force me to believe and buy. 

This made me think more of my new plan to be a better me. I am happy… and most of the time I am. This is one phrase I repeat and in reading more of positive I Am theory.

How am I going to do this? How am I going to make myself even more positive and manifest my goals? This idea of bombardment of words from TV and commercials gave me an idea. What if I take colored index cards and colored markers (I’m all about pretty color), write down little positive sayings, and post the cards all over the house? This way, wherever I go, I’m getting the messaging that I choose to put into my soul!

For instance, I started with a series of I AM cards. I am love. I am peace. I am happy. I am healthy. (You get the picture.) I am a writer. I am a photographer. What I am and what I choose to be.

Then I changed it up a bit. “I make a great living being a writer!” I am taking lines from the “Tao te Ching” and “Course in Miracles” among other great books to help me reinforce the good. 

One of my favorite sayings I read years ago came from Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life.” She said, “In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole, and complete.”

I’m going to go back through some of my books and write up new cards. Imagine what our lives could be like if every one of us filled ourselves with positive, loving, peaceful thoughts?

Today I wrote: “I am breaking old brainwashed concepts” (all those years of being told I was ugly, fat, unprofessional, etc.) and “I am building new, better me by positive reinforcement and reminders of the wonderful person I am.” 

And a trick to this is feeling what is written. When I write “I am peace,” I am feeling it and believing it. The more I repeat the words, the more I do feel it and it makes me happy. And of course, the best to do is “I am LOVE” and feeling the love; a universal, omnipresent love. (Note the feeling between saying, “I am Love” as compared to “I am loving.” To me, the “I am Love” makes it radiate outward.)

What do you think? What would you put on your positive reinforcement cards? (I’m calling them PR Cards – a double entendre as to the other meaning of PR as in public relations because this new me will be out in public.) 

Have a fantastic day, Everyone! 

A Revelation

I’ve talked recently about a shift in perspective that started a couple months back. I got distracted while reading “We Are Market Basket” as negative big business beliefs rose to the forefront. There’s a reason I don’t let myself get caught up in news media and the miasma of the horror going on in the world. I pulled myself back into my little world.

I have to stay with who I am. “Start from where you are,” says Pema Chodron in the book of the same name. I return to my core beingness, the I AM (with a little help from Dr. Wayne Dyer). This past week has filled me with a reawakened awareness; some remembered from previous work/reading and some from new readings, and taking whatever resonates as truth within me.

I took a break for a photo shoot and a lot of the old self doubts came charging in. Am I good enough? Will the customer like what I did for them? Am I charging accordingly? Now is a good time to put the new studies into effect and right now my mantra is “I AM___! Repeat it! Feel it! Believe it!” (The blank space can be filled with every positive I can think of and see and want myself to be.) 

I spent the morning writing as I do every day. The writing helps me see my thoughts and not just feel them. I take into consideration words of advice and support from others. 

A revelation came through: My entire being goes into every project I do no matter what style or medium! When someone hires me to do a job or if I am writing, drawing, painting or even in conversation, there’s a complete package of who I am that goes into it. This is HUGE!

What that means is ALL of me goes into the project. I may be working on photographs, but the writer, artist, healer, and life-experience-wisdom keeper is also present. All the training and classes I’ve ever undertaken is within me. It’s there when I work and it comes out in the project. It’s the love and joy and excitement that bubbles inside and comes out into pens, brushes, camera, and conversation.

Some of the doubt in the past was a fear that I’ve never focused on one medium or stayed with any one “guru.” I worried that people wouldn’t see me as worthy or truly professional because I don’t have degrees. However, if I made a list of every class every taken; every seminar attended; self-help book read; work in shamanism including sweat lodges and fire walks, Healing Tao, and massage therapy, and more -- it’s mind-boggling.

This doesn’t mean I don’t have room to learn. Every day is opportunity to learn (or realize I already knew) something. It’s exciting, and that’s how I look at life – exciting and interesting. 

So, I am a unique package-deal when you deal with me.

The Words Come

Poems come to me when I’m out and about. I always carry a notebook and pens, as I’ve said often. I write when I’m walking. Words flow when I’m driving, but I won’t stop then and usually I forget by the time I reach my destination. I tried doing the recorder while driving. It doesn’t work for me.

This is how my philosophy about the muse came about. When She (the words) come, I have to pay attention in that instant. If I don’t, She goes away. She demands immediate attention. When She gives attention to you, you’d better take the time to listen to her. Thankfully She doesn’t hold a grudge and will come back another time.

The notebook comes out when I’m in a restaurant waiting for a meal. Different atmospheres will sometimes evoke different feelings. Of course the current state of mind plays a role in what I write, too. Whatever comes out, I’m always amazed and pleased.

I knew a woman once who used to write these amazing, funny poems about food. My food poems tend to be how I try to use food to make me feel better when I’m down… and how it doesn’t work, ha ha. As much as I love certain foods and food can certainly be cheerful, it doesn’t help solve problems.

I wrote this poem in April of 2009 at my favorite restaurant, the Flying Goose Pub in New London. (I always like the words in the first two lines and have used them before and since). By this time, my mother’s health was really going downhill and it was hard to be away from her and I never knew what I’d find coming home. Would she be okay? Would she be miserable and awful to me because I’d been gone so long? (I’d usually try to bring her home something to eat to appease her.)

Don’t get me wrong. I loved her so very much! But it was hard. She’d try to be understanding when I went off. Sometimes when I got home, she’d be excited to hear about my adventures. Other times she’d be very angry and upset with me because I’d left her alone. So, I never knew which mom I’d come home to. I understood, too. It was hard for her.

Emotions Unreleased

My heart bleeds tears

my eyes will not shed

the knot in my gut 

will not allow release

It’s 1 p.m.

and I wonder 

if eating anything

will help

Driving for two hours

did not erase

the sadness

in my soul

The solitude

did not bring the comfort

usually found

while out and about

Maybe the weather

affects my mood

Maybe if it was warm and sunny

my mood would be also.

---SW

------

Friendships can ebb and flow. Sometimes words can sever a relationship. Sometimes boundaries are crossed. Sometimes ties need to be severed. It doesn’t have to be forever, though at the time, emotions are strong and the ego screams, “Never again!”

After some time, these words came to me. I don’t normally include little snide comments that my conscious mind can throw in, but in this case, I kept the comment.

Below are two poems written about broken friendship. Words spoken can easily be misconstrued or the hurt can cause such a spiraling down that it can take a long time to recover from. 

Friendship Betrayed

I thought by now

my heart would have healed

I thought by now

words would have lessened

the pain

But still I fear

What trust I had

has long gone

When will it return?

will I ever get it back?

(Maybe not where you’re concerned)

(originally written 04/23/09; edited and titled 09/26/15 – SW)

Did You Know

The chill in the air

matches that in my heart

Did you know your words

would cut my very soul?

Did you know I’d retreat

into a dark, damp abyss?

Did you know I would give up

everything I was building for myself?

You did not call

nor did I call you

Neither willing

to apologize

neither willing

to acknowledge wrong

I cannot face the distance

in your voice

nor the accusation

in your eyes

My loneliness 

eats at my joy

I will never

be the same

For now I will be alone

you cannot accept me

as I am

and I can’t be anything else

Did you know your words

caused me to change my entire life direction?

(originally written 04/23/09; edited 09/26/15 – SW) 

I’ve not talked much about this happening. I’ve not said what really happened to me or how I totally turned from a path I worked towards for many years. But I turned my back on all the training and the practices and focused on being only an artist and writer. I’ve never told anyone how it affected me; never said how I’m still affected.

I forgive other and self. Five years later I am happy to say the friendship rekindled. There are still scars. Someday I may talk about it fully. Not to place blame or find fault for there are at least two sides to every story. I played a part and I’m not blameless.

I would have been a great soul healer. It’s still in me. But the other path was chosen and I don’t have regrets. I love being an artist and writer!

Thoughts from a Daily Reading

The daily reading from “365 Tao Daily Meditations” by Deng Ming-Dao struck home with me today:

“Chant one million times for world peace, they told me.

Pray three times a day to end all wars.

Practice austerities to liberate all living beings.

But the world’s miseries have never diminished.”

What a vivid vision that brings to me. I’ve often wondered how, with all the preaching that meditating and chanting will bring about world peace, why the world is in such chaos.

I myself, in many aspects, try to pull back from the world. It saddens me and I’ve said this often. I know it’s important to know what’s going on in the world, but for some of us, to immerse ourselves in having that misery put in our faces on a daily basis is detrimental to our well-being. Negativity breeds negativity and the constant barrage of the horrors going on the world is too much to handle. The more terrible things that are publicized, the more terrible things seem to happen.

Okay, maybe they’d be happening anyway, but when the news is so full of this kind of content, what does that do to people’s psyches? What hope for goodness is there when the news is mostly about terror and the horrible things that happen? It is one thing to report the news, but it seems the media just goes on and on about it. They don’t let up and even get into the faces of grieving people. Maybe for some people, reading about the terrible things that happen to other people makes them feel better about their own lives.

For me, there’s a difference between news and personal privacy. Perhaps I’m choosing to wear rose-colored glasses, but I want my life to be surrounded by more positivity. To have that constant barrage of negativity feeds fear and fear creates more horrors and brings disease to the physical body and mind. People start feeling desperate and when they get desperate… So, I choose to stay away from the news and negativity.

To go back to today’s reading, Ming-Dao said “What you do with your daily devotion is purely for your own sake. Once you put your ideals on a grand scale, they are compromised by the contradictions of life.”

There’s a part of me that agrees with that. In my own prayers and such, I start small, with myself and my family, and expand it out to include friends, acquaintances, community, town, area, state, etc. However, it’s hard to think that my daily devotion is only for my own sake. Maybe it’s because we are taught that to think of ourselves is selfish.

There’s also a part of me that doesn’t believe that “I” can change the world. What right do I have to try to force others to believe as I do? I am sorry that there is so much horror in the world. Heck, I don’t like to know there are bad things that happen in my own community. But, I don’t believe that I have the right to make changes to others. All I can do is try to keep my life and what’s around me in a positive light.

I think it’s wonderful that there ARE those out there who really try to make a difference in the world. I commend those who devote their time and money to helping others on a large scale. There are many more of us, though, that spend our lives on a lower level. I choose a smaller community and here I shall do what I can by trying to be the best person, a good person, that I can be.

Ming-Dao ended with, “There is no utopia. There never will be. There is only the valiant attempt of each person to live spiritually in a world where spirituality is almost impossible.” 

That sounds sad, but all you have to do is read history books, (not necessarily the history they taught us in school) biographies, or see programs dedicated to “real” history to know that issues of today are similar to those that peoples have dealt with for centuries. The world and population have grown, but evil, greed, and corrupt power have kept warfare alive forever. There are always those who will try to control others.

Oh, I could easily go off on another bent, but I’ll end with another saying:

 “Evil done in the name of goodness is still evil.”