Leaving and Coming Home

It’s down to the wire. If I can get packed and get the house relatively clean today, I shall leave tomorrow. What does that actually mean to me mentally? I’ve been planning this trip for months and as much as I want to do it, there was always the chance that I would back out. Now, the time has arrived and while there is much excitement, there is also much trepidation.

Why would I think about backing out? Fear… fear of the unknown, crowds, cities, PEOPLE. I am basically a very shy person. It takes a lot of courage for me to speak to someone unless I know them well. You might not think that from the way I write, but it is extremely hard for me to attend functions, do interviews, or even go out to dinner. Sometimes even when I know the people, I have a hard time approaching them.

Strangers in unfamiliar territories are going to test me to the limit. Yes, I know, this will be very good for me. I only hope I don’t chicken out going places. For instance, I’d love to go see the Titanic Exhibition in Raleigh, N.C., but that’s a city and there will be lots of people and traffic and scary roads and crowded buildings and... I am thinking it probably won’t happen.

I am eager to see scenery and natural settings. I’m looking forward to visiting historical sites. Yes, there will be people around, but the pictures in my mind are not showing CROWDS. I will feel safe. It’s not that I’m afraid of being mugged or anything like that. That’s the farthest from my mind. Oh, how do I explain this?

I suppose it all goes back to my childhood when I was ridiculed all through school. I had very few friends. That’s probably why I fear people. It’s about wanting to be accepted. It’s not being afraid of physical hurt, but emotional hurt. Does that make sense? Plus, there’s that being alone which I don’t mind as I like solitude, and there’s being ALONE which is about being lonely. I can be alone with myself and be quite happy, but feeling alone amongst others makes me feel isolated and unwanted.

So, now that it is actually time to leave, the fears are escalating. The thought of leaving Freyja behind and how lonely she will be makes me cry. I know Karen will take excellent care of my precious puss, but she will miss me and I will miss her. It breaks my heart to think about it. Plus, being a person who stays home and inside a lot, being out in the unfamiliar wide world may be shocking and challenging.

Then there will be the coming home. Years ago when I went on vacation, I hated coming home. I hated the thought of going back to a job in the corporate world. It’s different now. I live alone except for Freyja. I am living the life of an artist. What more could I want? (Okay, maybe some sales.) I love where I live; it’s a great community, I have friends, I love my job with the paper, and I have a great view. So, what’s the problem?

The house doesn’t feel mine. It doesn’t feel like a forever home. It’s just a place I live. If it wasn’t for Freyja, I wouldn’t care if I didn’t come back.

I am hoping this trip will help me get my head on straight. I want to reevaluate myself as an artist and determine where I want to go from here. I have to make up my mind whether to keep this house or sell. (I hate moving, hate dealing with real estate and all the legal crap and complications, but I do want a house that I feel will be mine and fit my lifestyle.)

All this being said, the excitement is stronger than the fear. I am going to have an awesome adventure!