Emotional Roller Coasters and House Update

It’s interesting when I am able to relax and reflect on my state of mind. For a person who normally considers herself happy, I’ve been a wreck lately. One day I’m up and the next day I have to be scraped off the ground with a shovel.

I’m supposed to be happy. I have a new house and will be starting a new chapter in my life. But today I am not feeling it. There is still too much to do here with the packing, plus I’ll be moving into a home that’s not the house of my dreams. Yes, it was my choice. Yes, I settled after weighing the pros and cons.

The home and septic inspections went fairly well on Friday. There are a few issues, but nothing that can’t be remedied. However, it seems that the more time I spend at the new house, the less I like about it. It’s too late now and I wouldn’t back out anyway. I have to live with my decision and it will be okay… eventually… maybe… someday. It will.

The new kitchen won’t go in until winter. The garage can’t be built until next spring at the earliest. I can’t get a plumber to update the bathroom (which needs to be done for personal safety) for a few weeks. I’m going to move into a home that at the moment looks ugly to me. Tomorrow I will call to get a new heating system along with a/c, but that probably won’t be able to be done right away and to move into a place without a/c… well, you don’t want to be around me when I’m hot and miserable. 

I know, I know – eventually I’ll get it fixed up. It’s just with my present state of mind, to move into a place that’s not pretty or comfortable will add to that downward spiral. And I should know better. I do know better and I know everything will start to come together after I move in. These next two weeks are going to be hell on me.

Then yesterday I found out that the septic in this current house will be replaced before I move out. The septic guy is going to cut down the crabapple and peach trees that I love. I know. It’s no longer my property, but to see these two trees go will be hard. The birds and other critters that use them have given me much enjoyment. Knowing it needs to be done is one thing, but to actually see the trees gone will be sad. The peach tree was my mother’s. My brother gave her that tree. We brought it here when we moved, but it’s too big to move to my new home.

Oh, these emotions are killing me.

So, one thing I will do this week is go shopping. Shopping is supposed to make one happy, right? I’ll get a new stove and refrigerator, new plumbing fixtures (most current ones leak and they’re ugly), shades for the windows, new bed and bedding, a new couch, and I’ll order new flooring. Maybe I’ll even pick out some paint and primer because those walls definitely need a happy, bright color. 

I’ll have to plan painting and cleaning parties for the following week. I’m looking to make the official move-in day Friday, Aug. 28. 

Broken Dreams

I dreamed for years of my someday home, my forever home. I planned and made lists of what I’d have in my ultimate home. I visualized (as much as I can visualize) this home, and yes, throughout the years, the dreams changed and evolved. It was never about opulence or luxury. I never cared for fancy or high-end. It was never about expensive appliances or massive palace-like buildings. I look for quiet, simple comfort.

Learning to live alone had its difficulties. I knew it was going to be hard and there are times when the emotions and loneliness weigh heavy. I’ve reached that point within myself where it’s time to move on; time to go after that dream home. I waited for years for this. I gave up a lot of me and spent a long time building me back up and discovering who I really am. I changed, evolved, and finally found a lifestyle with which I am happy… except for that dream home. 

But have I waited too long? I was in limbo for the past 20 plus years and I thought I was finally going to settle down in my dream house. My dreams, as simple as I thought they were, seem to be impossible to achieve. I am challenged in every direction and after reaching a point where I never thought I’d have to compromise on what I wanted, I feel I am falling into less and less of what I want. 

I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of living in limbo. I want to live my life; a life which was put on the back burner to get this house. Yep, I’m settling, but at the moment, it looks like I’m settling for less-than. Where are my dreams?

(This is where I am today in this emotional roller coaster in dealing with real estate.)

So Much to Think About

Every time I turn around there’s another decision to make. I haven’t even made definite choices on the last things running through my mind. I’m not sleeping well and my brain and body feel so tired. Have I mentioned before that house-buying and moving are awful?

I look around and even though I feel I have accomplished  a lot, there is still much more to do. I can’t take it all and I don’t want to take it all, but what do and can I take? How do I know what I’ll want once I move to the new home? I’m heartsick over it and can’t get rid of stuff fast enough. Most will probably end up in the dumpster.

The big question to what I want answered is how to best utilize space. My goal is to be more organized and have separate storage for each category of my art: writing, photography, drawing, jewelry-making, etc. One entire spare bedroom will be taken up just as a huge walk-in storage closet with designated shelves and spaces.

I have three printers (for the photography) on three small tables on wheels. There’s a sideboard in the kitchen. I can’t keep all. Should I keep the smaller tables or should I use the sideboard and put the printers on that? I wish I could see what it would look like ahead of time. (sigh).

I can’t even decide on which day to officially move in. Official possession of the property will take place on Aug. 21 and I have until Aug. 31 to be out. I, at least, need to get the new flooring and carpeting down before bringing in furniture and replacing the bathtub/shower with a walk-in shower is a top priority. (The last time I stepped over a tub wall, I wrecked my back and it hurt for days). 

All concentration is on renovations and every once in awhile I wonder about other items to make my new home more new and personal. Yes, I do plan to buy a smaller bed which means new bedding, but what about other linens? Every time I do laundry, I spend time cutting threads off towels and wash cloths. Could it be time to get new ones? It’s not like I need to buy a lot. 

The set of pans I use are almost 20 years old and some of the handles are getting loose. (That was the green set when I moved to Hampton.) Could I allow myself to get a red set which would go with the color scheme in the new kitchen? I saw a set at Kitchen Collections in Tilton last month. I love red accents in the kitchen. I’d like a red microwave, too. (Already have a red coffee maker). 

So many decisions. It’s hard to hold off for another two weeks. The home and septic inspections need to be done. I feel the house is mine, but it isn’t official yet, so I have to wait. I really can’t do anything until I’m handed the keys.

I have made a few decisions in spite of all my whining. (Yes, I’ll admit I’m a whiner.) The master bathroom is tiny and it doesn’t have a window (horribly small for a master bath and notice I’m not calling it an en suite as sweet it is not). I plan to paint it a pale lavender to give it a pop of color while also keeping it light. Replacing the full-size tub with a smaller walk-in shower will allow room for a small linen closet (of which there isn’t one at the moment — shows you how small that bathroom is). 

The flooring that I fell in love with at Home Depot will look beautiful with the main wall color of the rest of the house. I’ll probably keep some of the curtains from this house, but there are no blinds on any of the windows which will be another expense.

Excitement runs side by side with fear: fear of the dwindling bank account, that something will be found wrong during the inspection… oh, the myriad of worries. Jeez, I’m turning into my mother, ha ha.

It’ll all work out.

Hunt is Over But More Work Needed

I fell into a pit of despair over the house hunt during the last of July and spent days in tears and sometimes outright sobbing. There just wasn’t a house that fit me in the area I wanted to live. Every time I left Bradford to go hunting, tears would come to my eyes as I felt I was leaving home.

I stopped talking about it except to a few people and for a week or so, I was a miserable wretch. Then one morning I woke up knowing that I had to make a decision on something no matter what. I would have to settle because I was dead set against renting until something I wanted came along. Who knew how long that would take and in the meantime, I’d be watching my bank account dwindle away. No, I needed to settle. I’d been visualizing my dream home for so long, the thought that I wouldn’t even be getting close was discouraging.

I made arrangements to look at a few homes in the Emerald Lake Village District (ELVD) of Hillsborough. I don’t want to move to Hillsborough, but the price of the homes would allow me to at least do some updates to “make it mine.” 

Don, Carol, Nan, and Clare met me at the first house at 11 Ellen Brook. Of course, I found fault and Don pointed out a couple of issues I didn’t notice. I also looked at other homes in the area. There is always something to not like and one of my priorities is to have the space to build a garage.

Days went by and I searched the nneren.com website for home. I couldn’t find anything to fit me. But I couldn’t stop thinking about Ellen Brook. The brook kept calling me. I could hear the water babbling over the rocks and I went back for another look-see. I disliked driving there, but when I drove up in front of the house, I felt I was home. Nan, Clare, and another friend, Deb K., joined me. 

We looked around with more of a fine-toothed comb. I dislike finding fault with everything, but I need to know what needs to be done. And of course, the moment you notice a little issue, you can’t help looking at it. There is much more to this place that needs to be fixed than I originally noticed. Still, if I could get it at a decent price, I could afford to renovate. (It’s the only way to make a place “mine.)

I discussed offers with Laura Hallahan of Tall Pines Realty and we agreed on a price. Of course, the owners came back only going down $4,000 from the asking price. The house isn’t worth that, not even close! It’s assessed far lower. I came up $5,000 from my offer and they came down a little more; still nowhere close to what I’d be willing to pay. I could not stop thinking about that house. It’s mine. I could feel it.

I needed a day off and Carol and I went to Concord on errands. We also went to Home Depot and looked at kitchens, appliances, bathrooms, and flooring. The only thing I totally fell in love with was an Autumn Gold Pecan laminate flooring.

The owner came back and said they wouldn’t go lower and I walked. I was disappointed, but not totally surprised. I began searching the website again. There is absolutely nothing I even wanted to waste my time looking at. Now what will I do?

A day later, Laura called to say the owner agreed to come down to my top price. I agreed and was so excited. I started messaging and calling people. Then Laura emailed to say the owner wanted to hold off, that her father wanted her to hold out for more money. I was devastated. How could she agree to my price then renege? I know, it was her right, nothing was signed at that point. I was crushed. This emotional roller coaster is killing me.

The next day Laura messaged to say I got the house. I was pleased, but didn’t allow myself to get totally excited this time. I went to the office and signed the new agreement. I wouldn’t feel totally confident that I got it until the owner signed the agreement and the following day she did. The house on Ellen Brook is mine and I finally felt confident to talk about it and posted pictures on Facebook.

Now comes additional stress. The home inspection is in one week and closing is in two weeks, Aug. 21. I have to be out of this house by Aug. 31 which gives me 10 days to fix up as much as I can. I am looking to replace the heating; it’s kerosene and I’ll probably go with LP and add a/c. The roof probably needs to be replaced. The ugly, industrial carpeting the owner installed so they could say the place was rehabbed has to go. The tiny master bathroom has a tub/shower and I need a walk-in shower. The kitchen needs redoing. And all this isn’t even counting the garage or painting the interior. There’s more, too.

I need to decide what needs to be done before moving in. I have the week between the signing of the papers and when I have to be totally out of this house to get as much done as I can. Contractors need to be scheduled, materials chosen, and addresses changed. Oh, my poor head! My lists to do grow longer.

House Hunting Stress

This past week was a major crash and burn as the stress got to me. I had a total meltdown. I know finding a new home isn’t easy, but I really believed I was looking for something more simple. In a way, I am, but simple and small isn’t necessary sellable and most homes, like everything else being marketed for future re-sale, is for average people and average families. I am not average. I get so tired of hearing, “Well, you have to think about resale value.” 

I don’t care about resale! I want this to be my last move. Why does everything have to be geared towards what the next person will want? Yes, I crashed realizing that I will have to settle for less than in an area I don’t want.

I gave in to despair and depression on July 20 feeling I will never be able to get what I want in a home (unless I could afford to spend a lot of money and build from scratch). I just can’t wrap my head around that a small house with less property costs as much as a bigger house with larger acreage. It’s like people who are wanting to go smaller are pushed into over 55 communities or places with large association fees or places that are more like camps. (I would like a 55 plus community if there was one in the area, but location, extra fees, and lack of privacy are major concerns.) 

I spend days perusing nneren.com looking for possible homes. Maybe I am too picky. “You have to compromise,” I keep being told. But does compromise mean I don’t get anything that I want? How can I not be depressed? I spent the past year making lists of what I want in a dream home and yes, I know I do have to compromise on some things, but this process is killing me. 

I went house hunting over the weekend. Nothing “spoke” to me. There were more cons about the places than the pros. I gave up on living in the area I want, but couldn’t I at least get a house I like, at the price I can afford? I’m beginning to doubt I can. There isn’t anything out there that fits me. 

My heart is breaking. It looks like I’ll have to leave my beloved Kearsarge/Sunapee area. This coming weekend I have to make a decision and put in an offer on something… anything… and learn to live with it.

Six Weeks to Find a Home

I have to move out of this house in six weeks. That’s not a lot of time. I’ve looked and looked and I’m frustrated beyond belief. It’s to the point where headaches won’t go away and my stomach is in such knots that I feel sick. 

What makes it harder with the time frame is that most likely I will have to rent a place for awhile before I find my forever home. That means more expense; not only finding a small place for me ’n kitty, but renting a place to store the majority of my possessions and the insurance to cover that. That will all drain my finances leaving me less for my forever home.

I’m looking for a forever home. My sons would like to see me go into a 55+ community. I’m fussy about my privacy and often those places are so close together with no privacy between the homes. I am thinking I may have to compromise. I am now thinking that the house itself is more important than the location. If I’m not happy inside my home, what does the location matter? Especially as I work from home and spend a lot of time inside.

Yesterday I did the go-around (in my mind) about home owner’s associations and covenants. Not that they’re bad, it’s just more rules and regulations. Some are telling me that there are regulations where they live and it’s not so bad.

I’ve spent hours online looking at homes for sale. People keep telling me to actually go and look, but how can I look at something that doesn’t appeal to me?

I have gone to a couple of places and looked at modular/manufactured home models. This has helped me get a better feel of what type of space would suit me. There are a number of questions that still need to be answered. 

The biggest issue is finding a piece of land and getting done all that would be necessary. It’s a huge endeavor, but to have something new and arranged to suit me is exciting and would be so wonderful. The land situations would be same if I built. Timing is an issue in either of these scenarios.

What’s been awesome is the support and suggestions I receive. I feel guilty when I have to say I don’t like a home someone has told me about, but a good thing about it is that it helps me to really know what I do want.

I appreciate that family and friends are willing to put up with me as I go through this process. There are times when I am a wreck. I can’t “throw in the towel” because there is no choice. I have to move. I can’t help being scared and frustrated.

Frustrated

The stress of the house hunt is getting to me. I just want to cry all the time. I’m a real basket case when it comes to things like this.

I found a piece of land that I really like, but there’s a home owner’s association and that turns me off big time. Thinking about it kept me waking up all night. If it’s affecting me like this, it must not be the right move. Drat. The piece of land was what I’d be willing to spend, but the bull shit associated with HOAs is unbelievable. My stomach is so much in knots that eating makes me feel sick. The headaches are constant. Then to have to pay a $600/yr. association fee… who knows where it will stop.

Inside I’m freaking over the entire situation. It’s bad enough to have to move, but to not be able to find anyplace I like is almost unbearable. Then to add to it all, I’m going to have to rent before I buy which means putting money into that instead of all into a new home. So, not only do I have to find a couple rooms for Pele-kitty and I for a few months, I’ll have to get rental space for my possessions. There goes any extra money I was trying to keep aside.

I’m heart-sick and brain dead.

House Hunting Continues

The deadline for my having to be out of this house draws ever closer. There is still much to pack and I still can’t find my dream house. It’s hard not to be discouraged and I spend a lot of time in tears. I know I have to stay positive and trust something good will happen.

There aren’t any homes out there that I feel comfortable purchasing. If I’m going to spend almost every penny I have, I would like to get at least close to what I want. I’m really beginning to doubt.

The biggest issue is that what most people want is not what I want. I am not cookie-cutter molded. I’m not average. That means whatever I want costs extra… and too often a lot extra. It always seems strange that here I am trying to go smaller and things cost more than if I went big. 

I’ve been looking into the double-wide manufactured home route. Everything I want costs more money. They have a big list of standard features which is doable if you want the cheapest of cheap in appliances, and the color schemes are appalling (at least, to me).

I fell in love with the smallest model I could find. The layout would work great for me, but there is unusable/unreachable space. There is question about adding an attached garage. “Why do you want an attached garage?” the woman kept asking. Duh, I’m older, live in New Hampshire where there is cold and snow and in a small place, I’ll need the storage.

So it’s back to: go the manufactured route which entails buying land, clearing, well, septic, slab, and driveway along with all the necessary permits or settle into someone else’s home they no longer want. I’m beginning to think there’s nothing out there that fits me. Everything will cost me a lot to make it mine. (Then again, I have to admit I am a total basket case when it comes to any kind of real estate.) 

What I need is a builder/contractor to take me on as a special project, a challenge, while staying within my budget. What they would get in return (besides being paid) is recognition and advertising. We would do an ongoing story about the progress in the newspaper and the newspaper would also give an amazing ad discount while the work was in progress.

This would be a unique opportunity for someone looking to enhance his business. The added bonus of having an ongoing story told about the process of building would also give readers information about building their own homes (even if it’s modular or manufactured). There’s so much involved and it’s very daunting.

Renting a Storage Pod

Original plans had me thinking I would just hire a mover when the time came. However, with the sale of my current house being quick and not finding anything currently for sale that fits my wants and needs, I am having to look at other options. The new owner is already putting stuff in the garage I don’t have room to arrange what will be kept and what will be sold/gotten rid of. I don’t want to store things down cellar. Things need to come upstairs and I need to put it all some place. My living space is getting quite crowded.

I looked online for pods. Then there are the Go-Minis. I don’t know what to do. And, of course, the price worries me. Why does it have to always come down to cost? The thought of having to rent when I want to just put the money into buying and moving into my new home bothers me. But, as I don’t have a new home yet, and I have to get my stuff out of here, I need to consider my easiest options.

Everything comes down to lots or research and decision making and time is running short. I can’t devote all my time to this. I still have a job to do. I have to take time to meditate to clear my head. It all takes time: searching for a new home or land, deciding on rentals if I can’t get a new home in time, finding a contractor/builder, running around to physically look and spending more time looking online… Yikes, my brain goes on overload and I emotionally crash.

Sometimes… well, many times… I have such a hard time making decisions.

Why am I such an oddball?

Why am I such an oddball?

The house hunting saga continues and my mind goes round and round with the issues. Yesterday was exciting as I went back up to Camelot in Tilton to re-look at the modular/manufactured homes. Nan McCarthy accompanied me. We had fun looking at the places, checking out the different cabinets, flooring, counters, appliances, wall colors, and floor plans. And although none are exactly what I want, there are a couple that could be very do-able and fit my needs.

I talked to my realtor, Laura Hallahan and found many towns have “snob laws” and do not allow single-wide manufactured homes. This is the case in the areas in which I want to live. Well, there went that idea. If I go this route, I will have to get the bigger double-wide (more taxes), but still cheaper than a modular. If I had a lot of money, I would definitely do a stick-built home. I will still add a deck, an attached garage, and maybe a small farmer’s porch depending on how much money is left..

Today I go back to looking at floor plans on other websites. It doesn’t take long to get discouraged. Plans are designed to fit the average person/family and do not fit me. I swear they make things easier and less expensive for families (they get breaks for being family) and single people have to settle for less-than, not get what they want, or have to “customize” to fit their needs – all of which means a lot more money. Why does smaller have to cost more? There’s something wrong with that concept.

Time constraint is a major issue. I now have the money to get something new (as long as it is small and within the available funds), but land needs to be purchased and cleared and septic needs to be designed and put in along with the drilled well. I am leaning towards a slab and not having to deal with a full foundation. I realize, too, that this is the time of year when contractors are booked and extremely busy. What are the chances I can get someone to help me now? Talk about impossible.

Does this mean I am going to have to settle for something I don’t want just because I have to move from here before September? Again, I feel the oddball for not being able to be satisfied with designs already in place.

Sometimes I just want to pile all my stuff out in the field, burn it, and run away and never come back. Can you tell I’m frustrated? I need a miracle.