How can I possibly be thinking about starting another book when I’ve stalled on the last one? But this morning I am doing just that. Yes, there’s a tug-of-war in my mind about it. The old self critic is screaming in my ear: Who do you think you are? You’ve failed at the last one, why do another? Why will this book be different? What make you think you can make a difference; that anyone will care what you have to say? You are not a professional. You have no letters after your name. “Nobody likes you,” (this last comes in the voice of Gollum to himself in the movie “The Lord of the Rings.”)
Yep, that nasty critic, but I have better mental blocks to him now. “I’m not listening, not listening,” (again, in Gollum’s voice). I have a goal, a purpose. I can make a difference. “I have to write, I have to” is my motto, “If I didn’t write, I’d die or go crazy… or worse…” And yes, I’ve been saying that for years. Writing has been my salvation.
The concept of a memoir has been stirring for a long time. Yes, there is that, who do I think I am, and I’m nobody, but I have a message to tell. My stories not only help me heal, they also help others. It’s not about telling someone what to do. That’s not my job. It’s the storytelling that allows others to take whatever information they will and make it work for them.
I have not climbed physical mountains, nor have I accomplished some great world feat. My accomplishments have been within. Just overcoming low self-esteem and self-hatred is huge. I know how to deal with negative emotions, know when to be OK with myself, know when to just be, and know when to push forward. Am I perfect? No -- and I don’t have to be. I just have to be me, be as good a person as I can be, enjoy life as best I can, and help others when I can.
And so, I attempt to take 60 years of living and over 20 of serious writing to describe this treasure hunt of the self to love who I am. I’ll admit, I’m still feeling a bit discombobulated, but it’s coming together.
Titles, organizing subjects (it’s not your normal memoir), where to start, when to end, how many chapters – the myriad of challenges to roadblock the start.
I’ve been studying emotions almost my entire adult life. And while analyzing my own self, I also pay attention to others and their dealings with life. As I said the other day, I am seeing this self-study as a unique journey. This exploration is my purpose and I believe that my life experience and training is giving me – permission, if you will – to write this book and share my findings. I am not a professional. I am a peer… and yes, there is a part of me trying to explain what I’m doing.
But maybe I don’t need to explain it. I just need to do it. Hopefully, my stories will not only help me, but will help you find your way, too, when you are struggling. At least in this morning’s journaling and thinking, I’ve come up with title: “Digging for Gold Within Myself: a personal journey to help me, help all.”
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