I am an explorer, an explorer of a unique place – my own mind/soul. My travels take me over mountains, into dark caverns, and I look into the deep abyss. I stand on ledges and exclaim at vast, beautiful vistas and I crawl into claustrophobic holes where I feel the life will be choked out of me. I dig in the muck at the bottom of my well to see what stirs within so it can be released into the light. I wander mazes of emotions trying to put words to the unnamable.
Who do I think I am? How dare I explore these places on my own? What right do I have to think I could possibly be a better person by doing this, by standing up to declare, “This is who I am!?”
Some people go the route of studying other people’s emotions and psyches: social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors. I felt I had to understand my own self; that somehow, by understanding me, I would understand the world around me. I wanted to know why I felt such and so, why I never wanted to do exactly what others were doing. I wanted to know why I was different, why I didn’t fit into what seemed like normal situations. I wanted to know why, while growing up, no one liked me (or so I believed).
The journey of self-discovery takes a tremendous amount of courage. What if I don’t like what I see? Sometimes I don’t. What if the findings scare me? Sometimes they do. What if I dislike myself more? What if some of the horrible things that were said to me and about me in the past are true? What if there really is something wrong with me? I refuse to let that happen! I work through all the self doubts and fear. It isn’t always easy.
Why do I do this? Because I want to understand; I want to understand who and why I am. And by coming to terms with who I am, I am able to be with others and understand who they are. I am able to see both sides of situations even when I don’t personally agree. My inner eyes have opened wider.
I have learned what it means to be a sensitive and be proud that I am capable of feeling. Yes, I have to set boundaries to protect my soul. I avoid certain situations because the damage to my inner self would be too great. However, the knowledge this work has done for me is – freeing. Am I perfect? No. But I am better and I am happy.
The work continues as it must. Living means it’s an ongoing process. The study of emotions is fascinating. Now I look at it as going on a treasure hunt. The treasure isn’t always pretty, but the discovery is oh, so interesting.
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