Emotional Dip – I wish I could sleep for a week

The men in orange were here yesterday to clean up the yard and it looks so much better. My pretty flowers are now in flower boxes, so, why am I not feeling happy? There isn’t anything wrong, so why do I feel… deflated?

It’s taken me awhile to figure it out. I am mentally exhausted, my energy drained. It’s coming up on a year (Mother’s Day 2015) that the whole house selling/buying/moving situation started. An entire year of extreme ups and downs, and it’s not over. I want to not have to think about anything. I want to just lie down and sleep for a week. 

I can’t, though, not only because it’s unreasonable and my body and mind would not let me, but it’s not over. There is still much to do before I can finally settle down. Yes, huge strides have been made and I am satisfied with them (except for the carpet install), but I still can’t be fully settled until the house is the way I want it, and I want it done so I don’t have to worry about projects later. 

However, these ongoing projects, one right after another, have me constantly on edge. My mind is always thinking and planning and worrying, and that’s on top of the normal type of living that goes on.

Maybe, too, it is because yesterday would have been my mother’s 87^th birthday. I miss her so much! For so long, all house decisions were made together and now it’s all on my shoulders. Sometimes the weight of it all is too overwhelming. Even when we didn’t agree, there was someone to talk with and help with the decision-making. Feedback and second opinions are important. 

There are days I am so mentally fragile. Sometimes I swear Pele, my beautiful kitty, is the only thing that keeps me going. How silly does that sound? But it’s true, sometimes. She needs me and I need her.

I know – I am not fragile; I am really quite strong.

This week the garage will be started. This will be a major change to the property and a welcome addition. It will be nice to get the stuff stored under tarps under the deck inside a structure. There are also items in the back bedroom that will be moved out to the garage which will free up space in the house. And, I’m looking forward to parking my car out of the weather again.

Then when the garage is done there will be fixing the back deck, making a small farmer’s porch on the front of the house so the house isn’t a plain rectangle, redoing the flower gardens to put in curves and a front walkway. A pretty front walkway helps make a house inviting and I want my home to be inviting. Sounds like the work will continue through the summer.

I have to stay strong and keep pushing for what I want. I will make this place as close to my dream house as possible. The goal is comfort and beauty. It will be a house Sasha-fied.