I study emotions; in myself and others. I analyze my feelings and look into the reasons and how to better myself. Why do I feel such and such, and if it’s a negative emotion, how can I change it.
I talk with other people and in listening to them, I am curious about their emotions and how they handle stress. I want to know why people think they way they do, and not from a standpoint of right or wrong, but in trying to understand human being-ness.
A couple of weeks ago, someone asked if I had heard about Brene Brown. I hadn’t and I looked her up on the web and listened to one her TED seminar/videos. I was impressed. I immediately ordered three of her books: “I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t)” about shame, guilt, and empathy; “The Gifts of Imperfection” about embracing who you are; and “Daring Greatly” about courage and vulnerability.
I put them in order by their published dates with the first one in 2007, 2010, and 2012. Ah, this was during my time in Bradford when I had stepped back from self-study to promote my art and writing career. That explained why I hadn’t heard about her.
I began reading the first book. Some are things I already know, but there is quite a bit that I find refreshing and it’s bringing me into greater understanding of who, why, and what I am, and how I want to go forward with my life. This will also help me in dealing with others and it’s bringing out the healer in me. (Yes, many of the various studies from the past were in the healing arts.)
Shame is the big skeleton in our closets. Brown says no one is without it. It’s a teaching mechanism and it’s used as punishment that is used from the moment we are born. Shame is an emotion and because everyone feels and experiences it differently, the subject has been difficult to address. Plus, people are not comfortable talking about shame. They may eventually talk about all other emotions, but shame runs deep.
I grew up with low self-esteem. It has haunted my entire life. In my teens and 20s, I actually hated myself. It wasn’t until I started reading this book (and I’ll be turning 62 this summer) that I come to understand low self-esteem develops from shame. It’s the shame of never feeling good enough, of not being accepted by peers, of not fitting in, of being odd, ugly, fat, shy, that there is something wrong with me – the list can go on.
There’s no one to blame. It’s something that gets ingrained in us. I’m sure if I could go back and ask my parents why they “shamed” me, they would be appalled I would think such a thing. That’s certainly not what most parents intend and, of course, I can’t help but think about my own kids…but I didn’t know back then. I didn’t understand any of this.
I’ve spent years overcoming the “old” me: taking many courses and workshops, doing a lot of self work, and learning to work towards what I want. I even went so far as changing my name to escape that old image. I have come a long way and I am not the Debbie of my past.
Poetry was my salvation. Poetry, writing, and art helped me find myself. The self work often comes in spurts. I will read or hear something and then I will think about it, write about; sometimes for weeks or months. There are times when I have to read or listen to a point over and over before I get it. And all the time, I am becoming a better person, a more self-assured person, and I am happy.
Now I am learning low self-esteem comes from shame and I’ve just touched the tip on this subject. This is a whole new territory to explore. I am in my first few days of writing about it and I’m excited (and a bit nervous) to see where this will take me. Goodness, how can one talk about shame? What will people think if I admit my secrets?
I already figured out that people’s unhappiness is what brings out anger, bullying, and such. Now I am starting to understand where the unhappiness comes from. Oh, not the exact issue because we are all different and all have different triggers.
We may have similar stories and feelings, but it’s not exactly the same. I can’t tell you what you are feeling. I can only understand that you feel so. It’s not easy to put words to emotions and when people feel bad enough, they may act out in negative ways.
So, how do we get better? It takes courage to even admit we are struggling. There is always that, “I don’t want to talk about it” stubbornness. What will happen when we do talk? Will others understand? Will they hate us or make fun of us?
There will be those who will deny similar feelings, but most will relate. It takes courage for all of us. We have to create a better world and that takes courage, admitting vulnerability, and empathy.
I have taken dozens of workshops, read hundreds of books, learned various meditations, and spent a lot of money on many self-help and healing classes. Poetry, writing, photography, and art were my salvation, but the self-study goes on. I’m excited to find where this next step will take me.
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