Learning to Work in Shorter Intervals

I have been extremely busy and it’s exciting (exciting has been my favorite word of late). My other projects are keeping me away from more free-style writing which is why I haven’t been blogging. It’s all good.

What turned out to be important for this month is the fine-tuning of work schedules; becoming aware of how I need to work. More and more I am learning that it helps to work in shorter time frames. This prevents me from getting frustrated with the project or getting to a point where I want to destroy it and start over. Yes, this means it takes longer to get the project finished, but it allows me to be kinder to myself about the processes, and I find I am happier with what I am doing. Plus, as I often work on multiple projects at time, this allows me to do something on many of them.

Here are some examples of how I work:

When The Muse comes, it isn’t for very long. If I try to force any more, I get frustrated and upset with myself. However, if I walk away for a bit, do something else, then come back, I am more inspired and feel new energy.

The writing muse usually strikes (yes, often it is like a strike) first thing in the morning. She doesn’t stay long and this writing is very inspirational (not so much in a spiritual way, but a life/emotions/lessons way). Words and feeling gush through me and out of me, then suddenly stop. I might get fifteen minutes to an hour.

I get out of the chair to do some physical movement and chores around the house before sitting back down to respond to emails and Facebook messages. Again, no more than an hour and I’m up again moving. This time might find me on the air walker and as I’m doing a workout, I’m studying the drawings on the easels.

Fifteen minutes to half an hour is next spent handling charcoal and pastel. I can’t work very long at one time on a drawing. I have to stand back and walk away – sometimes until my next break from the computer and sometimes a day or a couple days will go by before I feel the urge again.

And so my day goes, in short intervals. I keep a log of what I do so at the end of the day, I can look at my list and see how much I got done. And I feel good about it!

It was hard getting used to this. I wanted to jump into a project and get it done. I’d get frustrated and beat myself up when things didn’t go as planned. I’d get depressed that I wasn’t good enough to call myself a writer, photographer, artist because I’d get angry when the work wasn’t going the way I wanted.

This new attitude has brought renewed energy and joy into all that I’m doing. No, it’s not always perfect, but when I run into a stumbling block, instead of letting the frustration pile up, I just walk away and work on something else. I have been so happy and thankful!

The other day, when I was talking about my new work ethic, someone told me studies have been done where they’ve found people do get more work done and are happier when working in shorter intervals. 

I’m onto something, for sure. Of course it isn’t always possible depending on types of jobs. For instance, when I’m working on weekly deadlines for the newspaper, I can’t be so free with my time. 

Moving Forward with My Creative Life

Last night I got out markers and 3X5 colored index cards and while watching TV, I wrote up some new affirmation cards based on the reading done earlier. (See the July 31 posting). I place these cards around the house to put in my face what I want to hear. And I decided that I should read these cards aloud every day, at least once.

One of the sayings that really struck me was “Think ONLY thoughts of love and success and that’s what I’ll get.” I repeated the words “love and success” over and over throughout the night; every time my thoughts started to spiral downward. I included the words in my gratitude prayers at bedtime and I repeated them when I got up during the night, and I was able to fall back to sleep quickly without mulling over negative thoughts. 

I began the love and success mantra again upon waking and getting ready for the day. I project love and success outward and take in love and success returning. I feel better today (mentally) than I have for awhile. I’m not allowing myself to get stressed.

I was even able to journal about yesterday’s issues with objectivity and I began planning where I intend to go from here. My art career has been on hold for over a year as I’ve been distracted by the house, garden, and getting to know my new community. Time is flying by. When am I going to get back to doing my real art?

It dawned on me that I’ve been spending too much time on Facebook. Those seconds or minutes it takes to read and respond add up and take up a lot of time; time I could be doing something more constructive, and now that my studio is cleaner, I am eager to get to the easel and begin drawing again.

“My creative passion is so strong I don’t want to do anything else.” What an awesome statement. But what IS my creative passion at this point? When was the last time I felt that? Distractions and other projects have taken over my life. I am pleased with how I’ve Sasha-fied my house and the flower gardens and yard are looking amazing and while there are creative endeavors there, that’s not my true passion.

I am a writer foremost and that’s a driving force, but there are different kinds of writing. I write stories for the newspaper, I write up interviews, and I put together and write a weekly column. I write letters and emails. The editing and calendar work with the newspaper also has to do with words. Half the time when I’m talking to people now I am thinking that would be a great story.

“My work must be a natural extension of myself.” The type of writing mentioned above, while I enjoy it, is not the passion of my personal writing; when I write for me. The writing above has to be done without emotion. My writing passion is all on an emotional level. Feelings drive me. The emotions behind thought patterns drive me. My goal through my writing is not only for self-healing, but that perhaps some of what I experience may help others, too.

When was the last time I had one of those emotional, creative, in-flow of words that pour out onto the page? March or was it February, and then it was just a couple of days. What about finishing the two in-process books? The distractions of the house and other work blocked that spontaneous creative flow along with the stress that rose within.

I have kept to photography by participating in a photo-a-day project which keeps me using the camera. Plus I’ve been taking pictures of the gardens and house as I make changes. But still, these are not photography as art. I haven’t used the photo printers in almost a year (and that means I’ll probably have to replace all the ink cartridges – well over $100 for all).

And there’s the drawing. I now have space at the easel and every day when I’m on my air walker I’m looking at the half finished piece taped to the drawing board. There’s a strong desire to draw, but where am I going with it? What do I want to do; where do I want it to go? Will it sit in the back room in a foam wrapper? Will I just hang it on my walls? 

But I have to do art! I have to.

So while some of the verdict as to my art direction is still wavering a bit, I am feeling more confident in what I want to do. And what’s funny is that it is always what I want to do. Sometimes I just let those distractions distract me.

A Brief Exploration of Grief

I start my morning pages and the subject of grief permeates my thoughts. Yes, it’s Mother’s Day, and I miss my mum so much, but that’s not what today’s subject is about – not totally.

This is also a continuation of yesterday’s “Chasing the High.” Questions arise. What is the opposite of that high? Is it grief? Grief over what? I let my mind sink into the topic. What makes people unhappy? And when they are unhappy most of the time and the deep-down unhappiness outweighs the good times, what then? Does it turn into grief and the grief turns into frustration and anger and then people need to medicate to feel good?

It does seem like this is a trend and what makes it harder, and the worst, is that most people can’t talk about it. Oh, they might gripe and groan over a situation, but they seldom let themselves admit fully how they feel. They let off steam, but bottle up the true turmoil until there is an explosion or they break down and turn to other ways to numb the pain.

 They can’t talk about it because they can’t really identify what it is. And that’s because it’s emotional; it’s that stuff we bury inside, we hide, and while there are similarities in us, emotions can be very individual.  

Where does the grief come from? Fear is the major base of negativity. What do we fear? That we won’t get chosen for the team? That others won’t like us? That the thing we want most, we can never have? The list can go on and on, some items could turn up on everyone’s list, however, the disappointments pile up. Disappointment on disappointment and we strive harder after that proverbial carrot.

Even those who seem popular suffer the same fears. Celebrities will occasionally talk about stage fright, but for the most part, everyone will try to put on a “public face” for the outside world. They bottle up their fears and frustrations and after time, those feeling will either erupt in an angry outburst or they will fester, turn sour, and become grief for all the things they could never have, never accomplish, never become. Inside becomes one big pit of despair with occasional moments or a high depending on each person’s life.

Again, I feel I am just touching the outside edges of the situation. Emotions are so interwoven with the fabric of life. It’s what makes us human and it’s what makes it so hard to understand. We, as humans, are also interwoven and yet, we are individuals. We are not cookie cutter (to use the popular term).  

So what does this mean? The challenge can seem insurmountable. I know I am developing my own way of dealing with issues. I listen to people’s stories. I tell my own stories. There is a connectedness within this fabric of life and I believe the answers lie there. Not one single answer, but perhaps more the tools we need to help us be whole and balanced. 

I truly believe that the more we can talk, the more we heal, and in the talking and healing, we are not only healing ourselves, but we are helping others heal, too. This doesn’t mean we can go and talk to just anyone. We need to find those we feel safe with to talk about issues. 

I don’t know why I know what I do, but these concepts have been building in me for a long time. Maybe it’s because I’ve been studying life for a long time. I’m just going about it in an untraditional method – because I no longer trust the commercialized, conventional ways (which is another entirely different subject).

And again, I’m just touching on topics. I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around the entire issue. Perhaps this is stuff that can only be taken in bits and pieces. I’m learning. I remember a conversation, read something, or see something and my mind mulls on it and I have to interpret it into my language. This might be a key. Something is said and I don’t have to do it exactly as the next person, but I can take the concept and make it fit who I am.

Think about it. What do you grieve and what have you done to heal it?

Chasing the High

I watched an “American Masters” program last night on Janis Joplin. I knew some of her story as she is a rock and roll legend; one of those 60s icons, but I don’t know much about her personally.

I was surprised to see that some of her childhood, especially as it pertained to school, was similar to mine. I know that despair of never feeling liked, of being ridiculed by classmates, being an outcast, never being accepted, and of never feeling pretty. 

In some aspects, she was stronger than I and had more courage. She could sing and that, at least, gave her an in with some. (I could sing, too, but never had the confidence to do anything about it.) She went off to her fame… and eventual death at a young age.

Janis’ story stirred me to know more and is line with these studies I’m doing about the thinking of the mind. She used a metaphor to Dick Cavett (I think that’s who it was) during an interview of mule carts with the carrot dangling in front of the animals to keep them moving. She likened women to the mules – always striving to reach (something). 

I woke up this morning thinking about that metaphor; that always trying to reach a high (whatever that high would be for someone). It reminded me of a comment I heard from a good friend. She said she is always looking for the high you get when you are first madly in love with someone. How many others are searching for a similar type of high? And how high is high?

I call this a super-high; one that is occasional, fleeting, or may last for awhile, but then it’s gone. And what happens when that high breaks like a bubble. How far does one fall? Do you crash and burn or do you don on the mule coat and continue chasing that proverbial carrot? 

Am I searching for some kind of a high myself? I don’t think so. Yes, I want to be happy and yes, I do have an occasional high, but I don’t know that I’ve really ever experienced one of those super-highs. Or maybe it was that the subsequent crash and burn killed any desire to go through that again. I like to think my life is more on an even-keel. Yes, I have some highs and I have many lows, but they are seldom extreme. 

I also believe I have some kind of self-preservation built inside. That something inside tells me that the super-highs are not true happiness or not a long-term happiness. Are super-highs happiness found outside the self? For instance, believing that someone else can make us happy or if we have such and such we will be happy. It’s like the super-highs are also a drug and can be addictive.

And so, I’m curious. I want to know what people are thinking in their quest for the super-high and the consequences that come with it. Many turn to drugs and alcohol to get that high. A part of me is appalled at how someone could do that, while another part of me totally understands. And I want to understand.

What are we willing to do in our quest for happiness? I suppose it depends on the individual. It depends on what we think will make us happy. While I do get happiness from others, I know I can’t rely on that physical “fix.” I have to find the things within that fills me with happiness. Sometimes it is very simple like watching the birds. And of course, I get a lot of happiness with my writing. It’s helping me understand life and, as I keep saying, it’s like going on an adventure.

The quest for happiness – is this what it’s about?

My next trip to the library will be for a biography on Janis Joplin.

My Mother’s Legacy

This morning, two days after my mother’s birthday, and two days after my usual slump during this time, I get a revelation. I thought of it as I was journaling about what Annette does for her daily routine for exercising. What I love is that she doesn’t tell me what I “should” be doing. She talks about what she is doing and that inspires me to do something. The light bulb in my head flashes on.

What Annette does isn’t something I can see myself doing. Others tell me of their morning routines and that’s not for me, either. So, what is? What can get me out of this chair periodically to do physical movement (besides fingers across a keyboard)? What could become a Sasha routine? 

This concept has been building for some time, but I haven’t been able to get past setting up a schedule. I won’t stop working when words are flowing. I can’t interrupt focus on a job at hand. Setting up a time-related schedule will not work.

I’ve been so tired lately, extremely tired. Even after a good night’s sleep, I still feel tired. I can’t think clearly when I’m tired. And I find I’ve been getting angry easily. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed for a long time. Wait! Doesn’t that signify a lack of oxygen to the brain?

Duh, and haven’t I had intense training in energy and breathing? I know what I need to do! I have known for a long time. I just couldn’t figure out how to get myself to do it. Once out of practice, it’s so hard to get back into it. 

The words of Annette and Nan talking about their daily routines and how they work at keeping themselves healthy seep in. Here are two successful, self-assured women who discovered what works for them. I don’t have to do what they do. I can do my own thing – and I already know to do it!

The revelation this morning is about how Ma and Margaret changed rules to games to make it more interesting for them. I’ve always admired that. They’d take popular games like croquet, Yahtzee, and Parcheesi and make them new and fresh. What I admired, too, was their commitment to play by rules. They may have changed the rules, but rules still needed to be followed. Their games were not cut-throat competition. It was important to play fair and encourage other players. These were values that were instilled in me from an early age.

I never realized just how much that concept was imbedded in me. As a young girl, I wasn’t interested in exactly what other girls were. That was probably why I wasn’t popular in school. I seldom want to do things just like the next person. I never have and never will. 

So, here’s my mother’s legacy come into play once more. Exercise: I can’t and won’t do it like everyone else, I’m not about to parade my body up and down the street – at this time (although I miss walking the woods or beach,) and I won’t waste any more money on gyms full of good-looking, hard bodies. That means it must be under my terms and something that I am willing to do.

I can do the Tai Chi form, get on the air walker, or Tai Chi dance in between projects. I can take a break from the chair, for instance, after the morning journaling and first writings. I can get up in between each part of the newspaper work: calendar, editing, and writing my weekly column. When I go outside to put up the birdfeeders, I can get in some fresh air movement.

Thank you, Ma, for showing me it is OK to do thing my way. 

I have a plan and I will start it today!

The Subject of Weight

A conversation early this morning has me thinking about my weight. Weight is a huge subject in today’s society in relation to health, image, others’ perceptions, and a myriad of other issues. I know how I feel in my mind. I am OK within myself. If and when I make changes, it will be my decision.

I have learned to accept who I am and I actually like myself these days. I am not perfect; there is always self-work to do, but it is mine to do. What are hard for me are other people’s attitudes towards overweight women. It’s hard when I am looked at as if there is something wrong with me, that there’s something to be fixed. I know there are those who look down on me and the comments that are supposed to “help” me make a “better choice,” just make me feel bad and not accepted for who I am.

I wasn’t always overweight. I was always on the small side when I was young. The weight didn’t come (and stay) until after the birth of my second son. It seemed like no matter what I did, I didn’t get thin again and at one point, my second husband complained the weight I did lose made my face too skinny. I couldn’t win.

As the years passed and I worked on self-improvement, I recognized that part of the weight issue is a defense mechanism. Being overweight means men won’t hit on me and wives won’t be jealous. I can be a friend without worry that the friendship will be misinterpreted.

People tend to leave overweight people alone… and there are time I like that.

I also realize comments like, “If you eat that, you’re gonna get fat,” make me want to eat it (or more) just because of that attitude. There was always something in me that wanted to rebel and do something opposite from what others dictated.

I know people like me for me and not because I’m beautiful on the outside. That can be a two-edged sword because physical beauty sells. We all know that. Advertisers have used pretty girls for years to sell their products.

Our entire lives have been filled with the media forcing into us what should be and what shouldn’t be. Beauty and skinny sells. And even though I now know this, the picture in my mind of what beauty is so ingrained; it’s hard to not to continue to see that as the only beauty. 

More work is needed and more discussion. There is more to say.

Choosing the Words I Want to Instill in My Soul

I can’t help think about the negativity we are bombarded with daily. We can’t get away from it and it’s all some people talk about. If it isn’t the newspapers (but not the InterTown Record because we don’t go in for that depressing media-hype), it’s TV blaring everywhere, radio commercials, Facebook trends, and people constantly on their i-Pads and cell phones.

I refuse to put up with it! Remember all the repetitive messages imprints into your soul! After all, repetition is how we learn – how are parents taught us words, alphabet, multiplication tables, etc. We are taught to repeat over and over to learn. 

So think about what all this negative messaging does to you. Is that the kind of stuff you want to embed in your very being? What about all the commercials trying to get you to buy products? How often will you need to be told, “Buy my product and you will feel great” before you totally believe it? And the saddest part is, these commercials do not have to tell the truth.

Think about it. How have we all been being brainwashed all these years? How often have you been told something multiple times only to find out later it really isn’t true? (There are even findings now that some of the history we’ve always been taught isn’t the real truth.)

Well, I refuse! I put my foot down and I will no longer buy into what the media is trying to force me to believe and buy. 

This made me think more of my new plan to be a better me. I am happy… and most of the time I am. This is one phrase I repeat and in reading more of positive I Am theory.

How am I going to do this? How am I going to make myself even more positive and manifest my goals? This idea of bombardment of words from TV and commercials gave me an idea. What if I take colored index cards and colored markers (I’m all about pretty color), write down little positive sayings, and post the cards all over the house? This way, wherever I go, I’m getting the messaging that I choose to put into my soul!

For instance, I started with a series of I AM cards. I am love. I am peace. I am happy. I am healthy. (You get the picture.) I am a writer. I am a photographer. What I am and what I choose to be.

Then I changed it up a bit. “I make a great living being a writer!” I am taking lines from the “Tao te Ching” and “Course in Miracles” among other great books to help me reinforce the good. 

One of my favorite sayings I read years ago came from Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life.” She said, “In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole, and complete.”

I’m going to go back through some of my books and write up new cards. Imagine what our lives could be like if every one of us filled ourselves with positive, loving, peaceful thoughts?

Today I wrote: “I am breaking old brainwashed concepts” (all those years of being told I was ugly, fat, unprofessional, etc.) and “I am building new, better me by positive reinforcement and reminders of the wonderful person I am.” 

And a trick to this is feeling what is written. When I write “I am peace,” I am feeling it and believing it. The more I repeat the words, the more I do feel it and it makes me happy. And of course, the best to do is “I am LOVE” and feeling the love; a universal, omnipresent love. (Note the feeling between saying, “I am Love” as compared to “I am loving.” To me, the “I am Love” makes it radiate outward.)

What do you think? What would you put on your positive reinforcement cards? (I’m calling them PR Cards – a double entendre as to the other meaning of PR as in public relations because this new me will be out in public.) 

Have a fantastic day, Everyone! 

A Revelation

I’ve talked recently about a shift in perspective that started a couple months back. I got distracted while reading “We Are Market Basket” as negative big business beliefs rose to the forefront. There’s a reason I don’t let myself get caught up in news media and the miasma of the horror going on in the world. I pulled myself back into my little world.

I have to stay with who I am. “Start from where you are,” says Pema Chodron in the book of the same name. I return to my core beingness, the I AM (with a little help from Dr. Wayne Dyer). This past week has filled me with a reawakened awareness; some remembered from previous work/reading and some from new readings, and taking whatever resonates as truth within me.

I took a break for a photo shoot and a lot of the old self doubts came charging in. Am I good enough? Will the customer like what I did for them? Am I charging accordingly? Now is a good time to put the new studies into effect and right now my mantra is “I AM___! Repeat it! Feel it! Believe it!” (The blank space can be filled with every positive I can think of and see and want myself to be.) 

I spent the morning writing as I do every day. The writing helps me see my thoughts and not just feel them. I take into consideration words of advice and support from others. 

A revelation came through: My entire being goes into every project I do no matter what style or medium! When someone hires me to do a job or if I am writing, drawing, painting or even in conversation, there’s a complete package of who I am that goes into it. This is HUGE!

What that means is ALL of me goes into the project. I may be working on photographs, but the writer, artist, healer, and life-experience-wisdom keeper is also present. All the training and classes I’ve ever undertaken is within me. It’s there when I work and it comes out in the project. It’s the love and joy and excitement that bubbles inside and comes out into pens, brushes, camera, and conversation.

Some of the doubt in the past was a fear that I’ve never focused on one medium or stayed with any one “guru.” I worried that people wouldn’t see me as worthy or truly professional because I don’t have degrees. However, if I made a list of every class every taken; every seminar attended; self-help book read; work in shamanism including sweat lodges and fire walks, Healing Tao, and massage therapy, and more -- it’s mind-boggling.

This doesn’t mean I don’t have room to learn. Every day is opportunity to learn (or realize I already knew) something. It’s exciting, and that’s how I look at life – exciting and interesting. 

So, I am a unique package-deal when you deal with me.

To Find Peace, Be Peace

Often in my editing work, I put my own beliefs aside and stay open-minded. I don’t have to share the same views of others to do the best job I can with the editing. Many times I put the context of what is being said aside and focus on grammar, punctuation, and flow; just doing the job (which I love).

However, yesterday there was an article that really touched me. It was from David Keller, the pastor of the South Newbury Church. His message was about peace and he said, “Taking care of our desire for peace, brings peace.”

Wow, how could I forget? Lately I’d been allowing my thoughts to get caught up in the negativity of world violence, political dealings and lies, and the lack of ethics in big business. And I know: what you think you become – which is one of the reasons I usually avoid the news and all the crap the media tries to pound into us.

Keller’s words made me remember something I read years ago. I had done a short stint with studying “A Course in Miracles” and remembered I have a couple of small books with selections from the bigger study. I dug through my piles of kept books and found them. One is called “A Gift of Peace” and the second is “Accept This Gift.” The selections within are short pieces, easy to read, but are also inspiring and make you think.

Now, I am not a follower of any one religion or faith. I pull concepts from many that hold what I believe to be true and good. Every so often, something really resonates within me when I read it. 

“Nothing outside yourself can save you; nothing outside yourself can give you peace.” This line sunk to my core early on as I realized that I am in charge of my own happiness. My happiness and inner peace can only come from within me. If I rely on someone else or something else for that, I am only setting myself up for disappointment.

“Offer peace to have it yours.” I take this line to mean if I am not willing to feel peace towards others, how can I feel it within myself? It is easy to project how we feel onto others. I know, there are times when I’m feeling miserable and, in those moments, I don’t care who knows it. But, in that moment, if I remember to breathe and think peace, I become peace. (No, it isn’t always easy. It’s work. But it’s worth the effort!)

What would this world be like if the media were putting these kinds of messages in the news?

What would it be like if we could carry peace in our hearts?

Can I, every time I start to think a negative thought or how horrible the world has become, can I turn to peaceful thoughts instead?

What do I feel as peace? Breathing in, breathing out; flowers; birds; beautiful landscapes, remembering good conversations and good meals with friends, letting my eyes see the beauty around me. And this reminds me of the old Navajo saying, “Walk in beauty every day.”

I have to remember that. I have to remind myself every day. It comes easily when I stop letting my thoughts run rampant; when I stop focusing on the negativity of the world. No wonder I refuse to listen to news. (That doesn’t have to mean I close my eyes to the world.)

“The only way to have peace is to teach peace.”

Christmas Eve Party in my Mind

I often try to describe the flashes of inspiration that flood my soul. This morning, it’s a feeling of a bunch of friends and neighbors crowding the door, ringing the bell (not that I have a doorbell), and all trying to get in the house (my mind). It’s ironic that when I get these flashes, it’s not just one train of thought. 

The visitors never stay long, but they all want to talk at the same time. If I don’t pay immediate attention to them, they disappear. Uh, oh, I just had another thought… what are you all going to think about me if I admit to having a ton of voices in my head? But it’s not really voices I hear. The impressions come in words and feelings and sometimes pictures. And it comes in one huge gush lasting about an hour. It’s exciting and just like a real party. Hmmm, I’ve never looked at it this way.

Maybe this is why I struggle in physical crowds and why I don’t like real parties, ha ha. If the mental crowd in my head is a bit overwhelming, then also having actual people around is much more. I am left with a similar feeling from both examples. I want to talk to everyone, listen to everyone. I want to give each feeling, thought, idea its due, but I can’t get it all down on paper. I feel guilty because there is always someone whom I didn’t give proper attention.

How interesting this is.

It’s like when the whole family visits and I try to spend a little time with each grandchild and each parent. I want each person to get individual attention, but always, after they leave, I’m left thinking, “Oh I didn’t talk to so and so,” and I feel bad. Or when I cover an event for the newspaper and there are many people and things going on. I come away to write the story and realize I’ve missed something or did not talk to someone important.

This is what happens when, for that hour in the morning, my mind is open to that flood of artistic inspiration. It all gushes in at once. Ah, a time limit, that hour, and again, similar to attending events or visiting with friends and family. Time is always an issue. 

So this morning, Christmas Eve, these thoughts come pounding at my door and I have a party of creative inspiration in my mind. I scramble to write here and write in my journal while ideas pop up from conversations held yesterday or something read. 

I do have to admit that I find this exciting and a challenge as I try to record as much information as I can while also trying to let the brain run free with the incoming thoughts. No wonder I can’t stay focused on one project, ha ha, but I practice this. I let my mind be open to possibility and what joy this gives me.

I am happy. I may be physically alone, but there is a party in my head and I enjoy dancing and singing with inspiration and thoughts and ideas of creativity.

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone. I hope you can do what you enjoy!

Is Anyone Ever Truly Happy?

Happy, as defined by Mirriam-Webster: “feeling pleasure and enjoyment because of your life situation, etc.; showing or causing feelings of pleasure and enjoyment; pleased or glad about a particular situation, event, etc.”

The question was asked of me yesterday as we talked about whether we thought our parents were happy. I’ve been thinking about my mom, as I do especially this time of year, and I wondered if she was a happy person on the inside. We had a unique relationship, she and I, but I wonder now how well I really knew her. My mother was never one to talk about her true feelings whereas I am blabbering all over the place. Oh, she let her displeasure show when she was totally unhappy. I know there were many times when she was happy. But do I see her as a happy person? No.

I look back now at her life. Oh, she was happy when others were around. She was happy doing particular things like playing games, bottle hunting, coin finding at the beach, and spending time with family. But deep inside, I don’t see her as a happy person. It was like she needed other people and things to make her happy. When she was alone, she was miserable… I think. But do I really know for sure?

“Dad wasn’t happy, either,” Don said. 

I think back about him. That’s true, too. I’d never thought of that. Is it just because we don’t look at our parents that way when we are young? My parents certainly did not talk about their feelings to us kids. My mom and I would talk when I was older, but she held back even then, I know she did. She held secrets. Dad must have held secrets. (After all, he talked less than Ma). Was it to protect us?

 “Can anyone ever be truly happy?” Don asked as we continued to talk about our lives.

“I’m happy!” was my immediate response. I took him by surprise. I don’t come across as being happy. “It’s not about a laughing and joking kind of happy,” I explained because that is not me. That is not my definition of happy. 

I consider myself a happy person on the inside. I make being happy a conscious choice. Yes, there are many times I am not happy. There is the grief and loneliness, the issues with self-exile as I live my solitary life to devote to writing and art, the frustrating life issues that need to be handled, and such. Inside I choose to be a mostly-happy person, but there are days when I am ornery and sometimes I just go with it and celebrate that orneriness. I use these times to explore the hows and whys and what makes my mind work the way it does. (This is an exciting journey in itself, like charting an unknown course. It’s almost like exploring the unhappy parts of my life makes me happy because it is giving me understanding of myself.) And, in spite of even this, I see myself as a happy-inside person.

I think about what makes me happy. Happy for me is not the party world. It’s not the adrenaline excitement experiences. Happy for me is an inner feeling of content. It’s living the life I want. (I don’t know if, when I was young, I could have made that statement because when you have to work jobs you don’t like to make ends meet… then again, happiness is a state of mind, an attitude. It took me a long time to understand this.)

Happy, for me, is seeing the beauty around me. (I adapted a Native American saying of “Walk in beauty every day.”)  Happiness is being able to look out the window at nature, birds, critters, etc. It’s having great conversations with family and friends. It’s being caught up in creativity or when ideas gush forth from a bubbling fountain and I try to write them all down – it’s like chasing butterflies and dragonflies to get them to stay still long enough to take pictures. 

Happiness is burying myself at home for a few days as I’m caught up in the latest writing endeavor (or book). It’s having the opportunity to travel, even if only a day trip, and visiting places and learning about the history of the area. It’s getting out a drawing board and supplies and putting shapes and pictures to a blank slate. 

Is happiness about a perfect life? No, there is no such thing as a perfect life. I say, “I’m perfect at being imperfect.” Happiness is a state of mind, an attitude, a choice. I choose to be happy! And on those days when things are not going so well I will try to find a way to make good from that.

We all make choices in how we live our lives. Our parents chose how to live their lives. I can’t live with any regret. There wasn’t anything I could have done that would have made a different. I am choosing to live a happy life. Yes, it has taken a lifetime to get here, but I am satisfied.

What makes you happy?