Another Book Topic

Last night’s meditation led me on another interesting journey … as happens often. I was left feeling I need to put these meditation-inspired ramblings into a book and call it “Conversations within Myself.” (The writing muse has me by the throat. All I want to do is write!)

These meditations offer insight into life. I’m shown different sides of situations while allowing my mind to develop, transform, solidify, question preconceived beliefs, or assimilate some form of teaching. I think about what I think about and how I think about it. (OK, I’ll admit to overthinking ... or maybe I’m just not afraid to admit.)

Words and thoughts constantly run through my mind. I’m always thinking, from the moment I wake in the morning until I fall asleep at night. (Sometimes when I wake in the night, too.) Often, it’s just daydreaming drivel, but other times, a topic grabs hold of me and I’m taken on an interesting journey; at times controversial and other times enlightening.

A comment gets made or I read something that sends my mind spinning off on a winding path. There’s no one true answer as the trail leads down, in, around, among, up, out. Thoughts jump one to another; sometimes not in a logical sense of order. Words gush from above, while others stir up out of my soul and heart. I never know when it will stop. Suddenly, the flow shuts off, and I feel breathless, emotionally flattened, unfinished, like there’s more, but my brain won’t take any more at this moment.

Nothing is conclusive. I’m left in wonder. But I also feel the topics that come to me need to be brought to the light. It’s not that I expect everyone to believe what I say. They don’t have to. Sometimes what I write is what others think but can’t put into words. Sometimes it’s just my ramblings.

Whatever it is, I’ve gained a little more understanding of life, and even if I’m left with more questions, there’s still a feeling of accomplishment.

An Artistic Evolution

My thoughts are on my drawings and how my style is evolving. I woke yesterday thinking about the current in-process on the drawing board and the need to get it finished. This one has been a struggle and it dawned on me that I sometimes have this – habit – of having a tree or part of a tree on the side edge of the drawing … but not enough of the tree to make a statement or even really look good the drawing.

I question myself: Why do I do that? 

There are a couple of reasons. One is a photography teacher once telling me a good photo needs to be “framed” by elements on the side. My interpretation of that statement might have been a little skewed which, as my photography is evolving, I look closer at how I’m cropping and editing.

Another reason is I like trees, but I’ve discovered throughout the years that often what looks like a good shot in real life is not always a good photograph or will work in a drawing.

Then there is the fact of the medium in which I work and what will determine a good drawing in this style.

With those thoughts, I went back to the drawing board and made the tree on the side of the drawing extend more into the drawing itself. What a difference that extra added! I felt comfortable in calling the drawing finished with 15 more minutes of work. The drawing is happy and I am pleased with the outcome.

So, what am I learning from these thoughts, statements, and older beliefs?

I need to listen more to what the drawing wants.

I have to allow that the drawing is not going to look exactly like the photograph. 

Sometimes I have to look with “soft eyes” to see elements in a different aspect. I have to stop, stand back, walk away for awhile.

The medium I work in (charcoal and pastel sticks) does not lend itself to crisp, sharp lines and minute detail and that means I have to compensate for that. 

I have to remember the photograph is just a guideline and trust my own intuition, allow free-flow, and let the drawing happen. It’s similar to my writing when I let the writing free-flow. When the words pour in and then out, I can’t stop to edit or it breaks the flow. I’m discovering a similarity in drawing.  Let it flow and when the flow stops, then I can go in for details and adjustments.

I am excited about these discoveries and my artistic evolving. 

Attempting to Maintain My Cool

Today it hit me that this coming Thursday is my next dentist’s appointment and I have all I can do to keep from freaking out and calling to cancel. This appointment is the first of four in the series of cleaning. We decided to break it up into the four quadrants because it is so difficult for me.

He says I have a little bone loss in left front and the tooth to the side and the deep cleaning is necessary to prevent any more bone loss and save the rest of my teeth. I can’t even begin to describe how I feel about this. My teeth are so sensitive! I’d almost rather have a toe amputated than have anyone put sharp pointy objects in my mouth.

All my training in various techniques fall by the wayside when it comes to the dentist. I am attempting to talk about it more to, hopefully, exorcise these deep rooted (pun intended) issues so I can get on with it.

But I will get through this!

Learning to Work in Shorter Intervals

I have been extremely busy and it’s exciting (exciting has been my favorite word of late). My other projects are keeping me away from more free-style writing which is why I haven’t been blogging. It’s all good.

What turned out to be important for this month is the fine-tuning of work schedules; becoming aware of how I need to work. More and more I am learning that it helps to work in shorter time frames. This prevents me from getting frustrated with the project or getting to a point where I want to destroy it and start over. Yes, this means it takes longer to get the project finished, but it allows me to be kinder to myself about the processes, and I find I am happier with what I am doing. Plus, as I often work on multiple projects at time, this allows me to do something on many of them.

Here are some examples of how I work:

When The Muse comes, it isn’t for very long. If I try to force any more, I get frustrated and upset with myself. However, if I walk away for a bit, do something else, then come back, I am more inspired and feel new energy.

The writing muse usually strikes (yes, often it is like a strike) first thing in the morning. She doesn’t stay long and this writing is very inspirational (not so much in a spiritual way, but a life/emotions/lessons way). Words and feeling gush through me and out of me, then suddenly stop. I might get fifteen minutes to an hour.

I get out of the chair to do some physical movement and chores around the house before sitting back down to respond to emails and Facebook messages. Again, no more than an hour and I’m up again moving. This time might find me on the air walker and as I’m doing a workout, I’m studying the drawings on the easels.

Fifteen minutes to half an hour is next spent handling charcoal and pastel. I can’t work very long at one time on a drawing. I have to stand back and walk away – sometimes until my next break from the computer and sometimes a day or a couple days will go by before I feel the urge again.

And so my day goes, in short intervals. I keep a log of what I do so at the end of the day, I can look at my list and see how much I got done. And I feel good about it!

It was hard getting used to this. I wanted to jump into a project and get it done. I’d get frustrated and beat myself up when things didn’t go as planned. I’d get depressed that I wasn’t good enough to call myself a writer, photographer, artist because I’d get angry when the work wasn’t going the way I wanted.

This new attitude has brought renewed energy and joy into all that I’m doing. No, it’s not always perfect, but when I run into a stumbling block, instead of letting the frustration pile up, I just walk away and work on something else. I have been so happy and thankful!

The other day, when I was talking about my new work ethic, someone told me studies have been done where they’ve found people do get more work done and are happier when working in shorter intervals. 

I’m onto something, for sure. Of course it isn’t always possible depending on types of jobs. For instance, when I’m working on weekly deadlines for the newspaper, I can’t be so free with my time. 

Daring Greatly

I recently finished a third book by Brene Brown. This one was called “Daring Greatly.” Brown got the inspiration for the title from part a speech made by Theodore Roosevelt in 1910:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better.

“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face I marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming; 

“but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly…” 

Brown’s years of research and teachings give hope and understanding to our lives as human beings. Her books have come into my life at a time when I’ve been doing a lot of my own soul-searching and self-study. I am often amazed how she’ll make a point exactly along the lines of my own thinking. I feel her words have helped validate who I am and that I can BE proud of who I am (just like years ago when Julia Cameron of “The Artists’ Way” fame gave me permission to be an artist) – not that I really needed anyone’s permission, but it opened the door. 

One of Brown’s biggest teachings is that by talking we find we are not alone. This is a practice that I’ve been working on for a long time. As human beings, we are connected, and we need that connectedness to maintain humanity. I agree with Brown that in sharing our stories, we can help inspire each another. We share ideas and life stories and find connection. I’ve often felt alone in my feelings or a situation, but the moment I mention it, I find others, too, have similar experiences. This is how we belong and belonging is one of the most primordial desires in us.

Anyway, I highly recommend Brown’s books. Look her up on the web and you can even watch TED Talk videos of her. Or, go to amazon.com and purchase her books. You won’t be sorry. She’s done work with women and men in all professions and she’s been a great help to our veterans struggling to return to civilian life.

I didn’t put the title of my writing in quotations because my point here just isn’t about Brown’s book, but in the act of daring greatly. Going back over Roosevelt’s speech, I feel I’ve been in the arena. My face is “marred by dust and sweat and blood.” I’ve stumbled and erred and come up short time and time again. There’s something comforting in knowing that when I fail, I, at least “fail while daring greatly.” 

I finished the reading and felt compelled to make a list of how I dare greatly. This is what I’ve come up with:

I dare greatly when:

• I go on trips alone
• I am the first to speak to others
• I delve into my own feelings to better understand myself
• I say with passion, “This is who I am!”
• I go against the norm (in the past I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me because I never wanted to do what everyone else was doing, wearing, watching, reading, etc.)
• I choose to be different and like myself for it
• I talk about myself, admit my fears
• I say I don’t know … when I don’t know
• I admit there are things I can’t do anymore 
• I have to ask for help
• I choose to be the authentic me
• I leave the house and have to interact with others (believe it or not, that’s always been a struggle)
• I put my work – writing, photography, drawings – out there for others to see
• I admit my struggles and vulnerability

Think about how you dare greatly. What would be on your list?

How Are You?

This question continues my quest to pay closer attention to those with whom I encounter. I’m not saying this is the same in every situation, but it does seem to be more common than not. I intend to change my attitude and expectations around it. When I ask, I really want to know.

“How are you?” is one greeting that has become so automatic that no one really pays attention to what is being said. And heaven forbid we try to answer with anything but “Good” or “Fine.” Many people will say, “How are you,” but we can tell they don’t really care. It’s just a greeting, something to say. People are too busy with their own selves to fully listen to a response and if we try to say something more, their eyes will glaze over and they’ll start inching away. (This is not the truth in every case, but most). 

Think about it. Think about the tone in the voice asking, “How are you?” Is it meaningful or does it just blurt out as an automatic greeting? And what are our own responses like? Does “Fine” roll off our tongues without us even thinking of a different reply? (I have a friend who says F.I.N.E. means f-ed up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional.) 

When you say, “How are you,” would you be ready to listen to the truth? I suppose it depends on the person and the situation. There are circumstances, like in stores or workplaces, where we couldn’t go into details. That said, there things we can do to let the other person know we care; that we care for them as another human being. 

I’m thinking about how I can make “How are you” sound like I really care. And I do care and I’m curious about others. I want to know what they think, what’s going on in their lives. I don’t want my question or my responses sound automatic or sound the same every time. I want to be able to respond with feeling, empathy, and understanding.

I also want to change my response of “Fine” or “Good” to be more meaningful to the moment. If I am in one of my not-so-good places I want to be courageous enough to say so. However, I want to follow it up with something like, “But I will be better!” or “I will get through this.” 

The bottom line is I want to be there with the person I’m encountering even if it’s for a couple of seconds. I want to look at them and have a kind word, a smile, a nod. I want my tone of voice and body language show I care. Kindness and courtesy are contagious. I want to bring this back and counteract the current norm that seems determined to instill fear in us telling us to avoid talking to strangers. Yes, we still need to be careful, but we don’t have to let caution take away our humanity and kindness.

A Few Words of Advice on Advice

Advice doesn’t have to be taken literally. Advice and feedback are tools that help one move through periods of stuckness. I use the words I am given, as gentle proddings to help me figure things out for myself. 

And, I don’t take offense when I give advice and it’s not taken. It’s not my job to tell anyone what to do. My hope is for the words to help someone find a way to move past their stuckness; that it will help them think more clearly. The words can be way off the mark, but if it gets the thought process working, I feel I’ve done a good thing.

Sometimes an initial reaction of “I couldn’t do that!” is enough to start steering me in the direction needed. It’s that boost to get me moving. It’s about movement; moving through the obstacles or finding a way around them. Someone else’s words can stop the mental spiraling downward and give me the courage to go on in my own way.

Going my own way is very important to me. I’ve always been like this, never wanting to look or do exactly what everyone else was doing. That made me an outcast as a kid – which I didn’t understand at the time. Now I am proud of the fact that I try to be different. Now I understand how much courage it took to be different. It may mean I’m weird, but I am my own person and not a cookie-cutter of anyone else. I am proud to be ME!

Perhaps, too, this is why I have this attitude about advice. I don’t expect anyone to be just like me. Yet, I can take the well-meaning words of others and turn them around and help put me on my right path. After all, that is what advice is supposed to do – help us stay on our own paths.

A Conscious Effort

Ever since reading “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire,” the words and demand “Constant Vigilance!” comes to mind. Although the character turned out to be a bad guy, those words often jump out at me – because we need to keep constant vigilance on how and what we think about. (I forgot that recently and needed to be reminded.)

Yes, we need to be reminded. When I forget to keep constant vigilance, I go through periods of sadness and depression. For instance, lately I’ve been too overwhelmed with work – in my mind. I feel I am constantly working and even though I enjoy and choose what I do, those feelings of always working weighed on the mind and brought me down. I think and think and think until I am tired all the time and flattened on the bottom of the well. 

Constant vigilance! Constant vigilance is needed to rein in too much thinking especially when the thoughts turn negative. Oh, dear, the ego part of me whines, something else to work on. But it’s important and can make a huge difference in how we get through the day. I find in keeping negativity out of my thoughts, I am less tired and more inspired throughout the day. The little things don’t get to me and thinking is actually clearer.

We don’t have to make constant vigilance feel like work. It’s like building a gate which, once in place, doesn’t need to be built again. We just have to make the conscious effort to close the gate when too much negativity is knocking. 

We can’t totally stop bad things from happening. Life isn’t all roses and happily-ever-after fairy tales. How we deal with situations is the difference from a wholehearted life and one of “woe is me.” I’ve been working on (yeah, the word “working” works its way into my conversations, but I don’t have to experience it as a bad thing) reducing the impact of negativity in my life. We can choose what we want to think about!

Here are some things that I am doing so that I spend more time “Walking in Beauty” and less time feeling like I’m drowning in all the awful things happening in the world:

1. STOP listening to news and what the media is spewing forth. 

I know some people actually find it entertaining, but remember: If we are allowing ourselves to be surrounded with this horror, nastiness, and negativity, then this is what our life is going to be filled with! Is this how we want to be in life? Is this what we want our children growing up into?

Or, at least, limit what we are listening to, limit the amount of negativity we allow ourselves to be bombarded with. Remember, the media’s job is to sensationalize, do anything they can to sell their story whether it is the truth or not. They take a small piece of the truth and manipulate it and easily change the context of what really happened. Then the public runs crazy on that manipulated information. They sell more stories when they can rile up the public. (I don’t know about you, but that makes me feel used and taken advantage of.)

2. Do not listen to commercials! 

Think about it. Think about what is being pounded into our brains day after day after day. Remember, repetition gets imprinted into our being. What are commercials telling us? They’re saying we are not good enough, pretty enough, handsome enough, skinny enough. They’re telling us we’re depressed and we need all kinds of drugs (but only the drugs run by Big Pharma). They’re saying that to be happy we have to have more gadgets, new cars and trucks, bigger and better what-evers. 

Is this what we want our souls to be filled with? Will all these things that don’t fulfill us as human beings and put us farther into debt make us truly happy? They may make us happy on the surface, but do they fill us with joy in our hearts? It’s all fluff, all surface immediate gratification and means nothing long-term. (Again, this makes me feel used and abused.)

3. Make the choice of what we want around us. 

Those of you who follow me on Facebook have seen the changes I am making on and in my home. My home is not the cookie-cutter, go-with-the-latest fashion ideals. I choose the colors that make ME feel good. I put pictures on the wall that I love. I make little affirmation signs to remind me to think positively using words and sayings that help me be a better person, that help me be ME.

Maybe part of this is because I never wanted or want to be just like the next guy. I want my own little quirks. And you know what? I don’t HAVE to be like others. That doesn’t mean I don’t like others or they don’t like me.

What do you want to surround yourself with? What truly makes you feel good? 

4. Simplify.

Opportunity is wonderful, but sometimes too many choices can be overwhelming. Life has become too complicated. Sometimes it is better for the soul when we can just sit back and do nothing. One of my favorite sayings is an old Spanish proverb that translates to: “How nice it is to do nothing then rest afterwards.”

That doesn’t mean we sit back all the time. Work is still important. It’s about finding balance between work and relaxation, connecting to nature, and letting ourselves see the beauty around us. It’s taking the time to spend precious moments with family and friends… and not to do anything but have good food and good conversation.

5. Finding words to inspire us.

I have a couple of mantras that I say over and over when negativity comes knocking (which I write on the affirmation cards I mentioned earlier). I’ve already mentioned “Walk in Beauty.”

“Think only thoughts of Love and Success and that’s what you’ll get.” I’ve shortened it to Love and Success. Every time I start thinking a negative thought, when going to bed at night, and getting up in the morning, I repeat Love and Success over and over. (And for me Love and Success is capitalized in this instance.)

Creating beauty for myself creates beauty for others.

My work is ignited by my passion and that’s exciting!

Breathe in…  Breathe out…

I feel the wonder and joy of life.

It takes a conscious effort to be positive. This doesn’t mean we have to take on the fake life-is-perfect persona. We need to tell our stories, the not-so-good along with the happy times. We can’t hide from it and we can’t pretend stuff doesn’t happen.

We need to be aware of the words we choose; in our heads and to others. We can heal from our down times by making the conscious effort to be happy. Yes, it’s sometimes difficult, but it can be done. When we fall down, we get back up.

We can do it!

Pre-conceived Self Beliefs

The recent trip had a lot of ups and downs and I’m still trying to put it all together. What really happened on that trip? How has that trip changed my thinking for all other trips? For life? 

I’m finishing up the writing for Day 6 of the Wichita trip. That was my busiest, most sites visited day. Looking back on it, I can’t believe all I accomplished. I’m still overjoyed at walking the Old Chain of Rocks Bridge and the other amazing places I visited. In retrospect, I realize that, after putting most of my energy in the Chain of Rocks Bridge, I didn’t give the other places their due.

Why do I do that? (And I do this type of thing repeatedly).

It’s my own beliefs of myself that sometimes… I’m searching for the right way to describe this… sabotage how I experience subsequent instances. This is not just true about the latest journey, but it happens often -- with previous trips, with day excursions, and even shopping. Those pre-conceived self beliefs tell me I’m only good for one event/site visit per day, that I can only do one “big” thing a day which means everything else is… less than, done with little focus, or in a hurry.

Why do I think this way?

I’ve proved that I can visit more than one site in a day, yet my mind still has this running list of reasons why I can’t give my all for the full day: I’ll be exhausted or too hot; my legs, feet, or back will hurt; time is short; or it’s time to start considering a hotel for the night (although why I have to start thinking that at noon when I don’t really want to check in until 3 p.m. doesn’t make sense). This recent trip added the need to “kill” time because I was in Missouri a day early. 

What exactly am I getting at here?

This is about how, as much as I attempt to be spontaneous and in-the-moment, my excess thinking distracts me from totally enjoying the moment. All those thoughts are in the back of my mind; of the need to be somewhere else at a particular time (even if it’s hours or days away. Heck, all that obsessive thinking exhausts me! In other words, it’s the “thinking” too much that drains my energy and creates unnecessary obstacles.

So, what’s the solution?

It all comes down to these words: Be fully in the moment! Not just physically, but mentally, too. I can’t be draining my energy thinking about what to do later. Yes, there is the necessary time to plan and the need to be aware of timelines and deadlines. However, if working on a project, visiting a site, or spending time with someone, I need to be totally in that moment. Yes, there are often limits, but those limits can be put aside and I should not let them weigh on my mind all the time. 

What have I accomplished here?

When I’m doing one thing, I can’t be thinking about the next… until it’s time to do that. For instance, when I visited the Lewis and Clark Historic Site and the Melvin Price Locks and Dam, I didn’t need to be thinking about the next place or finding a hotel later. I’d be looking at these fascinating displays, reading a piece of interesting history, or seeing a beautiful site and always in the back of my mind was the push to hurry on to the next thing. I can’t always use the excuse “I’ll come back and do it better some other time.” When I make a choice to do something, I need to do it without being distracted about later or feeling I should hurry.

My new motto: Take the time to enjoy the moment in the moment!

Being Unlovable

I couldn’t work outside in the garden yesterday due to the rain. Sometimes Sundays tend to be my “lonely-feeling” days, especially when I’ve spent time with family or friends the day before.

Mid-afternoon I was taking a Spider Solitaire break and I started thinking about love. My last lover, a guy I dated for 22 years, never once EVER said he loved me. He was more apt to call me stupid than give me approval. Yes, I stayed with him all those years. It was a conscious choice and we did have many good times and it was with him that I got the travel bug.

After he left was when my mother started to decline and I chose to give my attention to her. It was Ma and I for the next 15 years and when we moved to Bradford, my life was also taken up by being an artist, writer, and photographer. I didn’t have time for, nor want, a lover in my life.

I can’t remember the last time anyone said, “I love you.” Oh, family does the “Love you” when saying goodbye on the phone or in emails and such, but when was the last time I felt loved, truly loved? When was the last time I felt someone really cared for me? (Yes, I have family and friends, but that’s a different kind of love.)

Does that mean I am unlovable? I stop to think about it because I never took into consideration that I am unlovable. I just kept the belief that I don’t have room for a lover in my life. But if I do think about it and I’m honest, what man would ever want to spend time with me now? I have nothing to offer and what most men want, I am unwilling to give.

So, does that mean I am unlovable? How has the past shaped who I am today? And can I say, physically and mentally shaped? Yes, this is about choices that I have made in the past 20 years.

Hmmm, this is a subject I’ll have to think more about.

Changing Images

Half-carved stone sculptures lie buried within, some bigger than others. I periodically dig in the muck and pull the cloth off one to continue the work. After all these years, they are still chunks of stone although the hint of the original shape has become more refined. After all these years, I’m still defining who I am. After all these years, I am defining who I am and not by someone else’s standards. 

I take a small pick and chip away one more piece. However, before I can start chiseling detail, I am distracted by a more important project. Over sixty years and I’m still a work in process as I slowly sculpt my ultimate masterpiece one small chink at a time.

This was the image that came to me as I am working on my latest journey into the self. I see my issues as half-formed stone sculptures. But wait! The stone will turn to polished marble when done. Oh, that’s an image for me, ha ha – not! I am not polished stone. I may be slowly carving more detail, but I will never be “polished.” 

That’s not a self put-down. It’s who I am. I am not an elegant, refined lady. I am the solid, grounded, well-rounded, well-meaning friend. I AM a rock; like the rough stones I pick up and save because I see beauty in the stone. 

I am the jagged edges of amethyst, the crevices that gather dust and sand. I am the holes in pumice and, at time, I have the clarity of a clear quartz crystal. I am the healing of citrine and the grounding of obsidian. I have the love of life and nature of rose quartz and, like granite I’m made up of many things.

But let’s go back to the stone sculptures. Maybe they are marble inside or alabaster or maybe I am just a hunk of New Hampshire granite. It doesn’t matter. What matters is the work; the art of carving. Perhaps it’s time to name these chunks of unfinished stone.

I was doing more reading last night on shame and guilt. I am learning there’s a definite difference between the two. Brene Brown defines shame as something we feel and guilt as something we’ve done. I’m to the point where it’s time to start looking closer at this and deciding which might be shame or which is guilt. Bringing these issues to the light will help them release where they will no longer have hold on me.

It’s a huge subject and I’m looking at my life differently than I have previously. It’s taking some changing of old concepts and it’s also opening doors which have been slammed shut; which some are so buried that I have to get in there with a shovel to dig it out just to get to the door. And that brought me to those half-carved stone sculpture images that I found buried in the muck.

Oh, and here continues that saga of how I feel I am on a treasure hunt on this journey to understanding the self. I’m an archeologist into myself and those stone half-carvings are the finding of ancient treasure. If I can hold it up to the light and learn its curves and holds…

Oh, oh, oh – revelation! I started today’s writing with the images of having to carve individual sculptures, but that’s not exactly true. The only true image I am carving is ME! Those stones I find in the muck are more like buried ancient relics. These relics buried within are allowing me to discover the true me. I refuse to be defined by society, stereotypes, and the media. 

Revealing those relics is like finding the right carving tool to better define me; define me by my standards, through my story, where I can stand up with confidence and shout, “This is who I am!” And know it for the truth.

To Be ME, I Can’t Live Up To Others’ Expectations

I am continuing my self-work on shame. I have just barely scratched the surface. Shame is the skeleton-in-the-closet, the thing no one wants to discuss. It can be embarrassing for the person talking about it and for the one listening. But if it isn’t talked about and brought to the light, it remains shame. I intend to change that. After all, what do I really have to be ashamed about?

Brene Brown’s book “I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Wasn’t)” is helping me access and understand some of the issues. I realize that most of my life has been a battle to live up to what was expected, wanted, and perceived of me. There is the constant inner battle because many those beliefs were not who I felt I was inside. And, for some reason, I believed that everyone else knew better – which meant, I was wrong, am wrong.

This morning I am contemplating my shame triggers; the things said to me, what I have read, what I’ve been taught, what the media has pounded into me, what I learned to believe – everything that has ever made me feel not worthy. If I can list these things, then I can look at them and let them go.

(Here is my analogy of the inner well where stuff has been buried for years. Sometimes it’s necessary to stir around in the muck. Bringing issues to the light will allow them to release.)

How have I felt shame because I think I don’t live up to what others think of me? That’s what a lot of it is about. What others think of me. That wanting to be accepted and thinking I’ve failed because I’ve not been the person I THINK they want me to be. 

Think about what this statement says: I feel shame because I THINK I don’t live up to what I think others THINK I should be. Is that a true statement? 

The biggest issue about this subject is because people are afraid to talk about it. Oh, we might make a comment in passing, but it’s quickly brushed off. I’m determined to wend my way through this maze of the journey of my self. So often I find when I do take the courage to admit to a so-believed failure, I discover that others also feel the same. We are not alone. We have all experienced some kind of not being good enough.

So, will I start my list? Maybe not today, but just talking about it has me thinking. It’ll come. This is already making a huge step in helping me be OK and satisfied with who I am. And, as always, I hope that my discussions will help others, too.

Thank you.

My Mother’s Legacy

This morning, two days after my mother’s birthday, and two days after my usual slump during this time, I get a revelation. I thought of it as I was journaling about what Annette does for her daily routine for exercising. What I love is that she doesn’t tell me what I “should” be doing. She talks about what she is doing and that inspires me to do something. The light bulb in my head flashes on.

What Annette does isn’t something I can see myself doing. Others tell me of their morning routines and that’s not for me, either. So, what is? What can get me out of this chair periodically to do physical movement (besides fingers across a keyboard)? What could become a Sasha routine? 

This concept has been building for some time, but I haven’t been able to get past setting up a schedule. I won’t stop working when words are flowing. I can’t interrupt focus on a job at hand. Setting up a time-related schedule will not work.

I’ve been so tired lately, extremely tired. Even after a good night’s sleep, I still feel tired. I can’t think clearly when I’m tired. And I find I’ve been getting angry easily. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed for a long time. Wait! Doesn’t that signify a lack of oxygen to the brain?

Duh, and haven’t I had intense training in energy and breathing? I know what I need to do! I have known for a long time. I just couldn’t figure out how to get myself to do it. Once out of practice, it’s so hard to get back into it. 

The words of Annette and Nan talking about their daily routines and how they work at keeping themselves healthy seep in. Here are two successful, self-assured women who discovered what works for them. I don’t have to do what they do. I can do my own thing – and I already know to do it!

The revelation this morning is about how Ma and Margaret changed rules to games to make it more interesting for them. I’ve always admired that. They’d take popular games like croquet, Yahtzee, and Parcheesi and make them new and fresh. What I admired, too, was their commitment to play by rules. They may have changed the rules, but rules still needed to be followed. Their games were not cut-throat competition. It was important to play fair and encourage other players. These were values that were instilled in me from an early age.

I never realized just how much that concept was imbedded in me. As a young girl, I wasn’t interested in exactly what other girls were. That was probably why I wasn’t popular in school. I seldom want to do things just like the next person. I never have and never will. 

So, here’s my mother’s legacy come into play once more. Exercise: I can’t and won’t do it like everyone else, I’m not about to parade my body up and down the street – at this time (although I miss walking the woods or beach,) and I won’t waste any more money on gyms full of good-looking, hard bodies. That means it must be under my terms and something that I am willing to do.

I can do the Tai Chi form, get on the air walker, or Tai Chi dance in between projects. I can take a break from the chair, for instance, after the morning journaling and first writings. I can get up in between each part of the newspaper work: calendar, editing, and writing my weekly column. When I go outside to put up the birdfeeders, I can get in some fresh air movement.

Thank you, Ma, for showing me it is OK to do thing my way. 

I have a plan and I will start it today!

Emotional Dip – I wish I could sleep for a week

The men in orange were here yesterday to clean up the yard and it looks so much better. My pretty flowers are now in flower boxes, so, why am I not feeling happy? There isn’t anything wrong, so why do I feel… deflated?

It’s taken me awhile to figure it out. I am mentally exhausted, my energy drained. It’s coming up on a year (Mother’s Day 2015) that the whole house selling/buying/moving situation started. An entire year of extreme ups and downs, and it’s not over. I want to not have to think about anything. I want to just lie down and sleep for a week. 

I can’t, though, not only because it’s unreasonable and my body and mind would not let me, but it’s not over. There is still much to do before I can finally settle down. Yes, huge strides have been made and I am satisfied with them (except for the carpet install), but I still can’t be fully settled until the house is the way I want it, and I want it done so I don’t have to worry about projects later. 

However, these ongoing projects, one right after another, have me constantly on edge. My mind is always thinking and planning and worrying, and that’s on top of the normal type of living that goes on.

Maybe, too, it is because yesterday would have been my mother’s 87^th birthday. I miss her so much! For so long, all house decisions were made together and now it’s all on my shoulders. Sometimes the weight of it all is too overwhelming. Even when we didn’t agree, there was someone to talk with and help with the decision-making. Feedback and second opinions are important. 

There are days I am so mentally fragile. Sometimes I swear Pele, my beautiful kitty, is the only thing that keeps me going. How silly does that sound? But it’s true, sometimes. She needs me and I need her.

I know – I am not fragile; I am really quite strong.

This week the garage will be started. This will be a major change to the property and a welcome addition. It will be nice to get the stuff stored under tarps under the deck inside a structure. There are also items in the back bedroom that will be moved out to the garage which will free up space in the house. And, I’m looking forward to parking my car out of the weather again.

Then when the garage is done there will be fixing the back deck, making a small farmer’s porch on the front of the house so the house isn’t a plain rectangle, redoing the flower gardens to put in curves and a front walkway. A pretty front walkway helps make a house inviting and I want my home to be inviting. Sounds like the work will continue through the summer.

I have to stay strong and keep pushing for what I want. I will make this place as close to my dream house as possible. The goal is comfort and beauty. It will be a house Sasha-fied.

What The Muse Mean to Me

For the second morning in a row, I pay attention to The Muse right off the bat before I finish my journaling. She used to come more at the end of my journaling, after I wrote about the day before. The writing often seems to call her. I usually have to siphon off stuff (I love the word “stuff,” it covers so much) from the day before to allow new inspiration. Now yesterday and today, she is at the forefront. (And, for me, The Muse always is feminine.)

I try to settle into routine, but she won’t let me and I learned a long time ago if I don’t pay immediate attention, she disappears. When she arrives, she is screaming, “Pay attention NOW!” A thought this morning as she grabs my attentions is “Am I spoiling her?” That was immediately followed by “Or I am totally honoring her?”

I believe it is honor and respect; two most important virtues. If this higher power Muse honors me with her presence, then I darn well better give her the respect she deserves. After all, why should I think she is here only for me? Maybe she mentors others. She needs my full attention when she is here and the information pours into me faster than my brain can process or my hand write or fingers type. That’s a challenge, for sure.

But what does this mean? What does this Muse mean to me and how does it work?

Mostly, when people think about “revelations” or God-inspired, higher power messages, there is a coming down from above feel. And I feel that. However, it’s not just a flowing down and into me feel, and it’s not just coming into my head. These feelings reach my heart and mix with who I am… or is it my heart rising to meet the inflow? (Be gentle with me. This is the first time I’m actually writing about it on this level.) 

What I do know is that I feel it in my entire being. There is stuff coming up from my well (that part deep in our beings – like the bottom of a well – where years of stuff gets buried) that merges with my heart and then that mixes with the stuff coming from above and then it pours out of me onto a page. 

Maybe one cannot come to the light without the other. Maybe it’s the Light of higher beingness that shines light into the well to release the emotions buried there. Maybe it is all that and much more. 

Who am I to try to say? But I am trying to explain it. These writings I do are from me and yet mix with something higher than me. The Muse arrives and the inner spark ignites into a flame, a short firestorm and then, it’s gone. Until the next time.

Some of you have been the recipients of the flash fire times as ideas and suggestions gush forth out of me. A comment made the day before or I may have read something or seen something on TV and the following morning the avalanche lets loose. And these moments are not just about me. There’s a higher purpose. I have to share, I have to.

It’s exciting and I am filled with joy. Thank you.

Exploring Emotions – a Unique Journey

I am an explorer, an explorer of a unique place – my own mind/soul. My travels take me over mountains, into dark caverns, and I look into the deep abyss. I stand on ledges and exclaim at vast, beautiful vistas and I crawl into claustrophobic holes where I feel the life will be choked out of me. I dig in the muck at the bottom of my well to see what stirs within so it can be released into the light. I wander mazes of emotions trying to put words to the unnamable.

Who do I think I am? How dare I explore these places on my own? What right do I have to think I could possibly be a better person by doing this, by standing up to declare, “This is who I am!?”

Some people go the route of studying other people’s emotions and psyches: social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors. I felt I had to understand my own self; that somehow, by understanding me, I would understand the world around me. I wanted to know why I felt such and so, why I never wanted to do exactly what others were doing. I wanted to know why I was different, why I didn’t fit into what seemed like normal situations. I wanted to know why, while growing up, no one liked me (or so I believed).

The journey of self-discovery takes a tremendous amount of courage. What if I don’t like what I see? Sometimes I don’t. What if the findings scare me? Sometimes they do. What if I dislike myself more? What if some of the horrible things that were said to me and about me in the past are true? What if there really is something wrong with me? I refuse to let that happen! I work through all the self doubts and fear. It isn’t always easy.

Why do I do this? Because I want to understand; I want to understand who and why I am. And by coming to terms with who I am, I am able to be with others and understand who they are. I am able to see both sides of situations even when I don’t personally agree. My inner eyes have opened wider.

I have learned what it means to be a sensitive and be proud that I am capable of feeling. Yes, I have to set boundaries to protect my soul. I avoid certain situations because the damage to my inner self would be too great. However, the knowledge this work has done for me is – freeing. Am I perfect? No. But I am better and I am happy.

The work continues as it must. Living means it’s an ongoing process. The study of emotions is fascinating. Now I look at it as going on a treasure hunt. The treasure isn’t always pretty, but the discovery is oh, so interesting.

Another Step Forward in Studying Emotions

I study emotions; in myself and others. I analyze my feelings and look into the reasons and how to better myself. Why do I feel such and such, and if it’s a negative emotion, how can I change it. 

I talk with other people and in listening to them, I am curious about their emotions and how they handle stress. I want to know why people think they way they do, and not from a standpoint of right or wrong, but in trying to understand human being-ness.

A couple of weeks ago, someone asked if I had heard about Brene Brown. I hadn’t and I looked her up on the web and listened to one her TED seminar/videos. I was impressed. I immediately ordered three of her books: “I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t)” about shame, guilt, and empathy; “The Gifts of Imperfection” about embracing who you are; and “Daring Greatly” about courage and vulnerability.

I put them in order by their published dates with the first one in 2007, 2010, and 2012. Ah, this was during my time in Bradford when I had stepped back from self-study to promote my art and writing career. That explained why I hadn’t heard about her.

I began reading the first book. Some are things I already know, but there is quite a bit that I find refreshing and it’s bringing me into greater understanding of who, why, and what I am, and how I want to go forward with my life. This will also help me in dealing with others and it’s bringing out the healer in me. (Yes, many of the various studies from the past were in the healing arts.)

Shame is the big skeleton in our closets. Brown says no one is without it. It’s a teaching mechanism and it’s used as punishment that is used from the moment we are born. Shame is an emotion and because everyone feels and experiences it differently, the subject has been difficult to address. Plus, people are not comfortable talking about shame. They may eventually talk about all other emotions, but shame runs deep.

I grew up with low self-esteem. It has haunted my entire life. In my teens and 20s, I actually hated myself. It wasn’t until I started reading this book (and I’ll be turning 62 this summer) that I come to understand low self-esteem develops from shame. It’s the shame of never feeling good enough, of not being accepted by peers, of not fitting in, of being odd, ugly, fat, shy, that there is something wrong with me – the list can go on. 

There’s no one to blame. It’s something that gets ingrained in us. I’m sure if I could go back and ask my parents why they “shamed” me, they would be appalled I would think such a thing. That’s certainly not what most parents intend and, of course, I can’t help but think about my own kids…but I didn’t know back then. I didn’t understand any of this.

I’ve spent years overcoming the “old” me: taking many courses and workshops, doing a lot of self work, and learning to work towards what I want. I even went so far as changing my name to escape that old image. I have come a long way and I am not the Debbie of my past.

Poetry was my salvation. Poetry, writing, and art helped me find myself. The self work often comes in spurts. I will read or hear something and then I will think about it, write about; sometimes for weeks or months. There are times when I have to read or listen to a point over and over before I get it. And all the time, I am becoming a better person, a more self-assured person, and I am happy.

Now I am learning low self-esteem comes from shame and I’ve just touched the tip on this subject. This is a whole new territory to explore. I am in my first few days of writing about it and I’m excited (and a bit nervous) to see where this will take me. Goodness, how can one talk about shame? What will people think if I admit my secrets?

I already figured out that people’s unhappiness is what brings out anger, bullying, and such. Now I am starting to understand where the unhappiness comes from. Oh, not the exact issue because we are all different and all have different triggers. 

We may have similar stories and feelings, but it’s not exactly the same. I can’t tell you what you are feeling. I can only understand that you feel so. It’s not easy to put words to emotions and when people feel bad enough, they may act out in negative ways. 

So, how do we get better? It takes courage to even admit we are struggling. There is always that, “I don’t want to talk about it” stubbornness. What will happen when we do talk? Will others understand? Will they hate us or make fun of us?

There will be those who will deny similar feelings, but most will relate. It takes courage for all of us. We have to create a better world and that takes courage, admitting vulnerability, and empathy.

I have taken dozens of workshops, read hundreds of books, learned various meditations, and spent a lot of money on many self-help and healing classes. Poetry, writing, photography, and art were my salvation, but the self-study goes on. I’m excited to find where this next step will take me.

The Hole in My Life

A good part of my life has felt in limbo for over a year with the home selling, searching for a new home, downsizing, the actual move, settling in, and renovating. My entire art career was put on hold except for the newspaper work and a couple of photo commission projects. I’d been saying that 2016 will be the year for changes and now I am ready to put new fire in my art career. I am ready to get back to “Living the Life of an Artist,” as stated on my blog.

However, 2016 did not start off with the big bang I envisioned. The reno work was still holding me back. Now we are into April and I still need the garage built to give a little extra storage room so I have inside space to move around and create.

I also had to take into consideration where I want to go in my career. I waited for that burst of enlightenment. It didn’t come. What I did realize is that what I have been doing as an artist is what I want to be doing. Yes, there is room to improve and grow and I am willing, but the words are still the same, those words that describe me.

It was time to restate my career intentions. I’ve done a couple new ads and I’m working on updating my website. (I do all the changes to my website template before sending all off to Dr. Bob to install said updates, so be patient awhile longer as I perfect how I want the site to look.)

But something feels missing. Artist, author, editor, photographer; yes, I have multiple realms in which I work, so what is missing? I feel there is a hole, a dark abyss.

I had a great conversation with my building contractor yesterday about the path to enlightenment. Last week I had Facebook chat with a new friend who asked if I knew about Brene Brown. (I looked her up and she has written books and has done lectures on subjects which I am very into – emotions.) I always find it refreshing to have deep conversations with men because it doesn’t happen often. (My ex used to tell me that’s what I have girlfriends for.) 

This morning it hit me. That hole that is in my line of what I do is… spirituality. When I think about everything I do, the Who I AM, it’s always artist, author, editor, photography. I am not one without the others. This is who I am. BUT! I am spiritual and even though I say gratitude prayers every night, spirituality is not something I promote. But that is the hole… or what fills the hole.

Hmmm, very interesting… and I’m not sure where to go with this…

I AM SPIRIT!      I AM A SPIRITUAL BEING!

This IS part of who I am. It IS who I am. I trained and studied for many years various aspects of spirituality and healing. I may not be physically doing massage any more. I don’t have a Tai Chi class at the moment. I’m not leading support groups or meditation classes. But it is still in me. It comes out when I talk to people (whether they or I know it at the moment). I always know it’s there. It’s automatic. It’s what I do; who I am. It’s that certain trust I put in higher power, Great Spirit, Great Creator, God, Buddha, whomever, that when I open my mouth (outside of my own personal whining, ha ha) the words that come forth are not only just from me. There is something greater that works through me. I trust in that greatness.

And every once in a while, I have to be reminded that that greatness works through me. Thank you.

The hole in my life – isn’t really a hole – it is oneness with all that is. It is the wonder and awe of life. It is something bigger than we can imagine and only once in awhile do I get a glimpse. Wow.

Choosing the Words I Want to Instill in My Soul

I can’t help think about the negativity we are bombarded with daily. We can’t get away from it and it’s all some people talk about. If it isn’t the newspapers (but not the InterTown Record because we don’t go in for that depressing media-hype), it’s TV blaring everywhere, radio commercials, Facebook trends, and people constantly on their i-Pads and cell phones.

I refuse to put up with it! Remember all the repetitive messages imprints into your soul! After all, repetition is how we learn – how are parents taught us words, alphabet, multiplication tables, etc. We are taught to repeat over and over to learn. 

So think about what all this negative messaging does to you. Is that the kind of stuff you want to embed in your very being? What about all the commercials trying to get you to buy products? How often will you need to be told, “Buy my product and you will feel great” before you totally believe it? And the saddest part is, these commercials do not have to tell the truth.

Think about it. How have we all been being brainwashed all these years? How often have you been told something multiple times only to find out later it really isn’t true? (There are even findings now that some of the history we’ve always been taught isn’t the real truth.)

Well, I refuse! I put my foot down and I will no longer buy into what the media is trying to force me to believe and buy. 

This made me think more of my new plan to be a better me. I am happy… and most of the time I am. This is one phrase I repeat and in reading more of positive I Am theory.

How am I going to do this? How am I going to make myself even more positive and manifest my goals? This idea of bombardment of words from TV and commercials gave me an idea. What if I take colored index cards and colored markers (I’m all about pretty color), write down little positive sayings, and post the cards all over the house? This way, wherever I go, I’m getting the messaging that I choose to put into my soul!

For instance, I started with a series of I AM cards. I am love. I am peace. I am happy. I am healthy. (You get the picture.) I am a writer. I am a photographer. What I am and what I choose to be.

Then I changed it up a bit. “I make a great living being a writer!” I am taking lines from the “Tao te Ching” and “Course in Miracles” among other great books to help me reinforce the good. 

One of my favorite sayings I read years ago came from Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life.” She said, “In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole, and complete.”

I’m going to go back through some of my books and write up new cards. Imagine what our lives could be like if every one of us filled ourselves with positive, loving, peaceful thoughts?

Today I wrote: “I am breaking old brainwashed concepts” (all those years of being told I was ugly, fat, unprofessional, etc.) and “I am building new, better me by positive reinforcement and reminders of the wonderful person I am.” 

And a trick to this is feeling what is written. When I write “I am peace,” I am feeling it and believing it. The more I repeat the words, the more I do feel it and it makes me happy. And of course, the best to do is “I am LOVE” and feeling the love; a universal, omnipresent love. (Note the feeling between saying, “I am Love” as compared to “I am loving.” To me, the “I am Love” makes it radiate outward.)

What do you think? What would you put on your positive reinforcement cards? (I’m calling them PR Cards – a double entendre as to the other meaning of PR as in public relations because this new me will be out in public.) 

Have a fantastic day, Everyone! 

A Revelation

I’ve talked recently about a shift in perspective that started a couple months back. I got distracted while reading “We Are Market Basket” as negative big business beliefs rose to the forefront. There’s a reason I don’t let myself get caught up in news media and the miasma of the horror going on in the world. I pulled myself back into my little world.

I have to stay with who I am. “Start from where you are,” says Pema Chodron in the book of the same name. I return to my core beingness, the I AM (with a little help from Dr. Wayne Dyer). This past week has filled me with a reawakened awareness; some remembered from previous work/reading and some from new readings, and taking whatever resonates as truth within me.

I took a break for a photo shoot and a lot of the old self doubts came charging in. Am I good enough? Will the customer like what I did for them? Am I charging accordingly? Now is a good time to put the new studies into effect and right now my mantra is “I AM___! Repeat it! Feel it! Believe it!” (The blank space can be filled with every positive I can think of and see and want myself to be.) 

I spent the morning writing as I do every day. The writing helps me see my thoughts and not just feel them. I take into consideration words of advice and support from others. 

A revelation came through: My entire being goes into every project I do no matter what style or medium! When someone hires me to do a job or if I am writing, drawing, painting or even in conversation, there’s a complete package of who I am that goes into it. This is HUGE!

What that means is ALL of me goes into the project. I may be working on photographs, but the writer, artist, healer, and life-experience-wisdom keeper is also present. All the training and classes I’ve ever undertaken is within me. It’s there when I work and it comes out in the project. It’s the love and joy and excitement that bubbles inside and comes out into pens, brushes, camera, and conversation.

Some of the doubt in the past was a fear that I’ve never focused on one medium or stayed with any one “guru.” I worried that people wouldn’t see me as worthy or truly professional because I don’t have degrees. However, if I made a list of every class every taken; every seminar attended; self-help book read; work in shamanism including sweat lodges and fire walks, Healing Tao, and massage therapy, and more -- it’s mind-boggling.

This doesn’t mean I don’t have room to learn. Every day is opportunity to learn (or realize I already knew) something. It’s exciting, and that’s how I look at life – exciting and interesting. 

So, I am a unique package-deal when you deal with me.