Old Writings

I carry a notebook wherever I go. I’ve been doing this for years because, even when I’m out walking or sitting, waiting, words come in those moments of contemplation. It’s like a door to my mind opens to a flow of thoughts.

These snippets have been collected for a long time and many are lost. Sometimes I’ve re-copied them into poems or other writings, but mostly they have remained anonymous in these little books. This type of writing is a form meditation for me.

Often when I’m writing poetry, it is what it is. I write, then I’m done. The poem is immediately finished. Other times the collections in the little books are simple thoughts that don’t go far. Sometimes I get distracted and never get back to finish that thought process.

Today I decided to take one of the little books and type the writings onto the computer. Most do not translate word for word, because I can’t help but edit and add to the writing. The initial words are like the underpainting to a piece of art. Layers need to be built. 

One of the topics that often comes up is about loneliness and being alone. There is a difference. I’ve learned a lot about myself through these contemplations and writings. Yes, I may live alone now, but even when I lived with my mom and aunt, I did go through periods of being lonely. Even now, I slip into those feelings… which I find very interesting.

Maybe someday I should gather these together into another book. (Yeah, like I need to be writing another book… I still have two in the works, ha ha.)

Terms of Loneliness

Coming to terms 

with being alone, with loneliness

where I fight my way 

through the mazes of humanity

where no one recognizes me

I wander streets

feeling cut off and alone

those whom I love and bond with

too busy to accompany me

on this trek of solitude

(no one could on this type of journey)

What does it mean

to be lonely?

How does it compare

to being alone?

Only my heart

can tell the difference

when my feet are tired

and there’s no one

to rub them

Only my heart

can know

when I put no time limit

to my wanderings

and no one is home

to worry that supper

is not on the table

Only my heart

can see

with eyes piercing darkness

looking into the shadows

of my soul

Loneliness is when I am alone

and wanting companionship 

where there is none

Loneliness is being afraid

of being alone

fear that demons inside might waken

Loneliness if being afraid

to be alone with myself

Loneliness is for finding my mettle.

(Am I afraid to be alone? Not really. I am never truly alone. 

I only need to open my heart and I’m surrounded.)

(Written 05/08/06; edited 09/15/15—SW)

Choosing Wall Colors

I finally contacted a painter who will come next week to give an estimate on doing my walls. There was a part of me that wanted to do it myself, but it would take forever and there are places I cannot reach even with a ladder. Then there’s the safety aspect of climbing up and down even a step stool.

I’ve been collecting paint chips for years. This morning I organized them by color into baggies because they kept falling out of the folder. The ones I liked the best, I taped to walls to look at a few days. Yeah, I know, a small paint swatch cannot give the complete picture of what an entire wall would look like.

I loved the colors I had in Bradford, but I’m not sure I should do the same. Originally I was going to do so, but because this house gets less natural light, I’m wondering if I should go a shade or two lighter. I’m considering doing the bedroom and master bathroom in purples, but the swatches are either too red/pink or too blue. None are exactly what I want.

Color is important to me. I need to have bright, happy colors on the walls. Vibrant colors (and I’m not talking garish) help my moods. My favorite shades of yellow are also good for showing off pictures and drawings hung on the walls.

It’s still going to take awhile before this house fully becomes Sasha-fied. Until then I feel like I’m plodding along and it’s just an okay house. I’ve yet to feel real excitement about it. There are so many things missing which is why I wanted to get more done before I moved in. Unfortunately, that wasn’t an option.

I didn’t want to take a year or years to get this place the way I want it. I want to get back to my art and my life. I can’t do that until I am comfortable living here. I worry about the winter… but I just have to take that one small step at a time. It will all eventually come together.

More Downsizing

This morning I am taking photos of items I put aside to sell. I need to have all the information together before I post to an online Facebook site for selling. If you have over three, you have to list them together.

This is not easy. While I do have some items together, I will be coming across others I no longer want. Some, I’m tempted to keep… I hesitate… but I have to get rid of items. There isn’t enough space here to save everything. My dad made that or that was my mother’s or maybe I’ll use that someday. I know, if I’ve had it for a number of years and I’ve not used it, I probably still won’t. And to hold onto something because it belonged to a family member — no, I don’t have room for that any more.

Then there are those items that came apart for moving and the pieces somehow got separated. I can’t sell part of something and I know the other pieces are here somewhere. In the meantime, the bulky part of it is taking up much-needed space.

I no longer have the space for multiple easels. (I had a habit of having five or six charcoal drawings or a multi-media painting on various easels in three different rooms. I can’t do that any more.) That means one stand-up and three table-top easels will be going bye bye.

Sometimes it’s just so much to think about with everything else going on.

I Admit...

I admit…

One thing about having a darker house, it stays cooler on these hot days. It works well for me as I’m not a hot-sun person. The mornings have been refreshing.

Yesterday I went off for a photo job and friends Nan and Clare McCarthy came over to help organize my things and make things disappear while I wasn’t around to say nay. I admit, I need help downsizing and tend to hold onto things. Friends are convincing me to throw things out.

Later they stood over me as I went through my tons of clothes. Maybe another thing I need to admit is that when I get depressed, I spend money. Oops, that’s a habit to break – and surprising for someone who doesn’t like to shop. Lots of items got taken to the swap shop in Hillsborough.

Today, the plumber showed up and I picked out new faucets from his catalog. I don’t want to deal with cheaper fixtures that end up leaking in a year or so. This time what is installed will be guaranteed. Another lesson about money is to know when to put quality over price. He’ll start the reno work on the bathroom early next week. Hopefully, it will only take a couple of days. I’m excited about having a new walk-in shower and vanity with faucet handles that are not yoga positioned (one turning one way and the other opposite like yoga poses). 

After finishing my editing work for the InterTown Record, I took photos of items I want to sell. Some were posted on a couple of online area garage sales. The first item sold right off the bat. I like that, but there’s still a lot to get rid of before I can fully set up the back rooms into usable work and storage spaces… and before I can paint to give my walls a happy color.

A third thing I have to admit is that friends were right. There was so much I wanted to get done to this place before I moved in and it didn’t happen. Friends encouraged me to be patient, to wait until I moved in to get the “feel for the place.” Oh, I did not want to do that. I want what I wanted and I wanted it done.

And now I admit that I’m glad I had to wait. On some things that I ran right out and bought, I wish I’d waited. (Not all, but some). There is something to sitting in the house for awhile and letting the rooms say what is needed. Yes, the wall colors I want are still the same, but one thing that is different is how I am an envisioning living room window treatments. 

Sunlight or lack thereof, views of the neighbors’ houses, and size and position of the windows play a part. I originally was going with mini-blinds, but due to the height of the house, I’m not sure I want to block the light coming in the upper part of the window. I only need to cover the lower part of the window to block the neighbor homes during evening hours. The only time I would need the blinds is late summer afternoon when the heat of the sun is beating through. 

I admit I will often take the easy way, then suffer the consequences.

Day 9: The Sorting Continues

I suppose I could say I did something artsy this morning. (Gosh, how long has it been since I’ve done any art?) I sorted all my pens into their respective colors.

Oh, have I ever said that I’m a pen-a-holic? I bet there are over a hundred pens, markers, and highlighters in as many colors as I can get. (I don’t know why I have a lot of highlighters. I seldom use them.) I don’t have enough containers to hold the various pens to keep the colors separate; and yes, I have enough that there could be separate containers for almost every color. I can’t resist buying colorful pens.

I’ve also been weeding out tools. How did I ever end up with so many? Last night I came across a brand new set of doll making tools. Why would I ever have bought doll making tools? I’m still in the process of gathering all tools together. Then I will go through them again and keep what I will use and get rid of the rest. Some are crappy and some might have come from my dad, but others are fairly new and in good condition. And I haven’t even tackled the huge tool chest in the shed!

I hung a shower curtain in the guest bathroom. I’ll be using that room when the plumber begins demolishing the master bath to get the tub out and install a new walk-in shower. I am hoping he can start that next week.

I so miss having a linen closet, though. Eventually when I get through things (and sometimes I do a little weeding out, then go back later and weed out a little more as things are still in boxes), I’ll end up with more space. I want to set up shelving units in the spare room to hold storage boxes that are properly labeled and organized.

I’m eager to get it all done, but realistically, I know it will take awhile. At the moment, my printers aren’t hooked up, I’m waiting for electricians, and more, but it’s slowly coming together and feeling like home.

It’s a more noisy neighborhood and I have to get used to the bangs and bumps (and acorns falling on the roof and rolling off — which drives Pele crazy). But I’ll adjust. I think I’ll be OK here.

Day 8 and More Progress

Yesterday I treated myself to a pedicure. Beverly Skillings of Tropical Shades Nails in Hillsborough does an awesome job. It was nice to be pampered after all the stress I've been under lately.

Her husband, Tim, was there and offered to come look at my washing machine problem. I stopped at the post office and got the key to my new mailbox. I was home and doing up odds and ends when Tim arrived.

He pulled out the washing machine to check the hoses behind it and everything looked okay. We ran it through a cycle so he could see what happens. He explained how these newer front loading machines work and that the tub doesn’t fill up with water like the top loaders. Water fill a bottom container and as the barrel spins, the water is splashed around and through the close. This is a more efficient method and uses less water.

The OE error message light came on at the spin cycle which left water in the bottom of the barrel. Come to find out, these washing machines have a filter in the front at the bottom. When Tim opened the little door, water poured out. I handed him a dishpan to catch the water and he pulled out the filter. Ewwww, it was full of small stones and dirt! And more water. How could so many stones be in a washing machine?

“What did the previous owner do for work?” Tim asked. I had no idea. The woman I bought the house had bought it second hand. I was assured the machine wasn’t very old and that LG is not a cheap brand.

No wonder the drain was plugged. What a mess. Tim cleaned out the filter and used paper towels to reach into the round slot where the filter goes to pull out more yuck. We ran the machine through another cycle and the sludge was far less. At least we got it to spin out.

After Tim left, I put a load of towels and curtains in the washer. The machine cycled all the way through and after I put the load in the dryer, I pulled the washer filter. A small amount of water came out along with material that reminded me of shingles. I also found flat, black irregular shaped small chunks in the conditioner cup and I cleaned that as best I could. The only thing I can figure is the previous owner was probably a roofer or did some other kind of construction.

I still have to find my way around these machines. I tried to look up directions online and although there is an operating instructions line, when I click on it, it says “Page not available.” There are so many bells and whistles and buttons and most of the buttons I push, nothing happens.

I also talked to an electrician about checking out the circuit breaker problem. I don’t dare plug in any of my printers… or any other electrical items until the issue is resolved.

I’m dying to get some paint on the walls to brighten this place up. These walls are so boring. I need help, though. I know I can’t reach the upper parts even with a step ladder. And in my shape, I’m not sure I can get up and down a step ladder safely.

Day Seven at Ellen Brook

I want things done so I can go back to my artist’s life. There’s still much unpacking and organizing to do, things to get rid of because there’s not much space here, or rather, as much space here.

Yesterday an issue came up with the washing machine. It’s a front loading LG. I’m not familiar with that brand and as it came with the house, there are no manuals. There are so many buttons and such that it’s terribly confusing. The wash cycle went through, then an error message flashed OE. 

I went online to look. OE means there is a kink or blockage to the drain hose or pump. I certainly can’t move this huge monstrosity to look behind it and the hoses I could see looked fine. I put in a call to a plumber, but he never called back. I now have a couple of numbers for appliance repairmen. I just fear that I’ll pay one of the latter to have him tell me it’s a plumbing issue.

Needless to say, I ended up hauling the wet clothes out and hand rinsing them in the sink before putting them in the dryer. Of course more dryer time was needed because I didn’t have the strength to wring the clothes out well enough. Still, the load got done. There is water in the bottom of the washer tub.

Nan came over later and we went through more boxes to consolidate products like multiples of cleaning supplies (remember I came from a three-floor home). I won’t need to buy any of those supplies for a long time.  We unloaded my car which has been sitting for a few days. (After having a garage for so long, I forgot how hot a car gets sitting in the sun.) Then we rearranged furniture. It’s getting there.  

I can’t wait to start painting the walls, but I don’t think I’ll be able to reach the top. I’m not sure my step ladder is tall enough and reaching over my head to do the cutting in wreaks havoc on my shoulders and back.

But I’m getting there. It’s starting to feel like home.