Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Old Writings

I carry a notebook wherever I go. I’ve been doing this for years because, even when I’m out walking or sitting, waiting, words come in those moments of contemplation. It’s like a door to my mind opens to a flow of thoughts.

These snippets have been collected for a long time and many are lost. Sometimes I’ve re-copied them into poems or other writings, but mostly they have remained anonymous in these little books. This type of writing is a form meditation for me.

Often when I’m writing poetry, it is what it is. I write, then I’m done. The poem is immediately finished. Other times the collections in the little books are simple thoughts that don’t go far. Sometimes I get distracted and never get back to finish that thought process.

Today I decided to take one of the little books and type the writings onto the computer. Most do not translate word for word, because I can’t help but edit and add to the writing. The initial words are like the underpainting to a piece of art. Layers need to be built. 

One of the topics that often comes up is about loneliness and being alone. There is a difference. I’ve learned a lot about myself through these contemplations and writings. Yes, I may live alone now, but even when I lived with my mom and aunt, I did go through periods of being lonely. Even now, I slip into those feelings… which I find very interesting.

Maybe someday I should gather these together into another book. (Yeah, like I need to be writing another book… I still have two in the works, ha ha.)

Terms of Loneliness

Coming to terms 
with being alone, with loneliness
where I fight my way 
through the mazes of humanity
where no one recognizes me

I wander streets
feeling cut off and alone
those whom I love and bond with
too busy to accompany me
on this trek of solitude
(no one could on this type of journey)

What does it mean
to be lonely?
How does it compare
to being alone?

Only my heart
can tell the difference
when my feet are tired
and there’s no one
to rub them

Only my heart
can know
when I put no time limit
to my wanderings
and no one is home
to worry that supper
is not on the table

Only my heart
can see
with eyes piercing darkness
looking into the shadows
of my soul

Loneliness is when I am alone
and wanting companionship 
where there is none

Loneliness is being afraid
of being alone
fear that demons inside might waken

Loneliness if being afraid
to be alone with myself
Loneliness is for finding my mettle.

(Am I afraid to be alone? Not really. I am never truly alone. 
I only need to open my heart and I’m surrounded.)

(Written 05/08/06; edited 09/15/15—SW)

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